Wish
by kryptoniansky
Summary: It happened so suddenly: Deeks was there, like any other day, than he was gone. Kensi promised she'd never give up searching for him. Her wish is that Alexander, the little boy Deeks never met, may one day know his father. AU
1. Promises to Keep

**Author's Notes:** _Finally! _I have been planning this story for MONTHS, and only got to start writing it now with the help of my dear friend G. Without her, I'd still be trying to sort through all my ideas that refused to comply to any sort of structured timeline. To those reading _"Running Away"_, this fic will be in the same "shorter chapters for quicker updates" format as that story. I also have a banner in my profile for you to view, as well as a promo vid for the story (read description there, and be warned of potential story spoilers), which can also be found in my profile.

This chapter was meant to be the prologue to set up what's going on, but it ended up being more than I'd hoped for. The story will contain general spoilers, especially for season 5, and anyone who's seen 5x10 "The Frozen Lake" will noticed certain references to it. However, this story has no solid setting - let's say "season 5-ish" and go with that. It's Densi, with Nallen in the future. Normally I'm slightly more of a Neric fan, but I wanted to try something new - I blame G for being such a huge Nallen fan and making me want to write that couple for her. Ah the things we do for treasured, yet crazy, friends. Also, the cover image is EXACTLY how Alex will look. _Enjoy!_

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**~ Promises to Keep ~**

Kensi wasn't used to waking with the warm sun on her face, but somehow the blinds had been left partially open the night before. A cool morning breeze lightly moved the curtains, though Kensi was barely aware of it, as she opened her eyes and yawned.

Turning on her side to avoid being blinded by the sunrise, Kensi tucked one arm under the pillow and smiled at the occupant in the bed beside her. She wasn't at her place; this wasn't her overly-squishy bed, and those ridiculous-looking curtains weren't hers, but there was one thing that was hers.

Or rather, someone.

It was rare for her to wake before him, and yet there he lay with his eyelids still closed over the blue orbs she was frequently mesmerised by. His shaggy blonde hair resembled a disgruntled mop, and Kensi fought the urge to run her fingers through his surprisingly soft strands. Kensi wanted to watch him for as long as possible, still thankful for how far they'd come from partners and friends.

They were still those things, yet so much more.

'Breathtaking, aren't I?' Deeks muttered sleepily.

'Hardly.' Kensi retorted, mildly displeased to be caught staring at him. Though her smile continued to grace her lips, as he opened his eyes to look at her. 'I was just trying to work out why you ever bother to brush your hair.'

'Uh-huh.' Deeks wasn't convinced. 'Admit it, you can't take your eyes off me.'

'Sure I can.' Kensi said.

Kensi rolled over in effort to prove a point she knew she couldn't really win. She hadn't wanted to, but Kensi could never back down from a challenge no matter how small or feeble it may be. With her back to him, Kensi thought she'd been successful in showing how she was _not_ dazzled by his good looks – until she felt him shift closer to her. His breath tickled her bare shoulder, causing a shiver to course through her. Kensi had gone to bed in a tank top because of the warm night air, and she felt fortunate to have watched as Deeks removed his shirt entirely. Not that it made much difference, after what followed, which involved no clothes at all.

His bare chest for her to discreetly stare at, as they'd prepared to sleep, wasn't such a fortunate thing for Kensi now.. His bare skin touched her back, sending a spark through her spine.

She wondered, rather hopefully, if he would always have this effect on her.

'Well, I can't resist such beauty.' Deeks teased, kissing her shoulder softly. 'You're gorgeous, you know that?'

Kensi couldn't speak; she was too busy biting her lip in attempt to remain strong. It was futile – Deeks had some sort of power over her that set fire to her belly every time his hand traced over her skin or his lips made contact. All she wanted was to roll straight over and kiss him senseless. Many mornings, she did exactly that and was able to turn the situation around to drive him as crazy as he drove her.

Today, however, Kensi was trying to prove a point.

Right when she started telling herself all the ways she could win the struggle, Deeks placed his hand over her stomach and gently rolled her. Kensi let him, if only because she didn't want to win. Not this time, though she'd never tell him that.

'How long have you been awake?' Deeks wondered.

He rested beside her again, propped up on one elbow, and tucked his hand under her shirt to rub her stomach. He'd made a habit of doing that, Kensi noticed. First it had been her shoulder, then her hip, and now her stomach. Once her body became accustomed to his tickling favouritism of one area, Deeks would find another. She didn't think he was aware of it, but she was – it was impossible not to be, with the flush of heat he spread over her skin at every touch.

'Not long.' Kensi sighed, wishing she'd had longer to watch him sleep.

'You want to go for a run?' Deeks continued.

'No.' Kensi replied. 'You want to go surf some waves?'

'No.' Deeks smiled, leaning closer. 'I'm exactly where I want to be right now.' He whispered before kissing her lips.

It was a brief peck, then he pulled away, and that wasn't good enough for Kensi. She placed a hand on his cheek, sliding it around to his neck, and tugged him closer. Their lips met, softly at first, then deepened. Deeks rolled closer, leaning over her, as Kensi wrapped her arms fully around his form.

The spark turned into electric flames, spreading through them, until Kensi gasped and jerked back.

'Kens?' Deeks froze.

He wondered why she'd stopped so abruptly, and hoped he hadn't hurt her somehow. His concerned quelled when Kensi's stomach rumbled with hunger, causing a blush to colour her cheeks. Deeks chuckled, and angled to kiss her jawline. Kensi wanted to lose herself to his touch, affection, and scent. She tried to ignore it, but the memories of a measly lunch, prior to their emotion-driven desire to skip dinner, could not be forgotten.

'This is _so_ not fair.' Kensi pouted, her arm still lightly looped around his neck. She could feel Deeks smiling with amusement as he continued kissing her shoulder. 'This is your fault, you know.'

'For being so incredibly irresistible?' Deeks stared at her cheekily.

'No.' Kensi tried to deny his truthful words. 'For not feeding me first.'

'I thought you lived off doughnuts and beer?' Deeks teased.

Kensi tried to glare at him, really she did, but it was hard when he rubbed his hands gently over her shoulders and arms. His fingers traced across her stomach to continue their sensual journey to her hip, then down her leg. Kensi shuddered at the touch, and placed both her palms against his bare chest to lightly push him away.

Deeks dropped onto his back, laughing.

'I'm hungry!' Kensi reminded him.

'Okay, okay!' Deeks nodded in surrender, sitting up.

Kensi slipped out of bed, and searched around for something to wear. He watched her walk to his drawer, smiling appreciatively as she rummaged through it for agreeable clothes. Finding a pair of casual blue jeans, and a black plain shirt, Kensi changed while Deeks left the bed.

He wandered over to her, and that moment provided him the chance to marvel at how far they'd come.

Four months ago, he wouldn't have been able to sneak up behind her while her back was turned. Three months ago, she would have flinched as his hands snaked around her middle to pull her back against his chest. Two months ago, she'd have made some remark, or insisted on her need for food, instead of allowing his desire to snuggle her a little while longer. One month ago, they'd have stayed in bed to become entangled in the sheets once again, ignoring all existence of the world outside the bedroom.

Now, they were comfortable. They had a routine. Kensi had her own key, stored a pile of unfolded clothes in two of his drawers, and had taken over half of his closet.

When they walked into the living room, indications of his girlfriend's constant visits were evident in the dark sweater thrown over the back of the couch, the pink doughnut box sticking out of his kitchen bin, or the new array of DVDs cluttered beside his TV. His coffee table was now home to a stack of magazines he'd never read, and his walls displayed several more framed artworks he would never buy. It had been a gradual takeover, and while Deeks complained dutifully, he secretly didn't mind. Kensi used to spend the weekends there at first, then odd days of the week, and now weeks at a time. He was starting to wonder why she kept her place at all – Kensi was there less times than he permitted her to attempt to cook something in his kitchen.

In fact, he was preparing to find the right time to ask her to move in with him – officially.

Deeks wasn't the only one appreciative of his new clutter-creating resident. While Kensi raided his fridge to work out what he was making them for breakfast, Deeks glanced over at the third member of their household. Monty was happily dozing in his comfy new dog-bed, which rested directly beside the coffee table. A shiny new collar was in place around his neck, and on the floor next to him was a bone-shaped chew toy he hadn't owned a month ago.

Deeks knew his place had never felt so much like a real home until Kensi had whirled her way through it.

'I can't decide!' Kensi's whine from the kitchen re-captured his attention.

'One surprise breakfast, coming right up.' Deeks said.

He rejoined her and stepped closer enough to kiss her cheek, running his hand over her hip and lower back, before he moved away to search his pantry for ingredients. He was considering making chocolate pancakes, when a buzz interrupted his thoughts.

Deeks looked to the coffee table in the living room, where his phone had been purposefully left behind when their late-night cuddle session on the couch turned into something far more adventurous in the bedroom.

Kensi was closer, so she peered over at the intruding phone, and frowned.

'Since when do you have Granger on speed-dial?' Kensi mocked. 'Is there something you're not telling me, Deeks?'

'Honey, I could never cheat on you.' Deeks teased. He accepted the phone she offered to him, though he was in no rush to answer the call. 'The five months we've been together have been perfect; I wouldn't trade that for...Granger?'

Deeks was puzzled when he saw the caller ID, having thought she was kidding about who was trying to reach him so early in the day.

'Yeah?' Deeks sighed, holding the phone to his ear.

Kensi dropped casually onto the couch, and flipped through a food magazine, feeling glad it was the weekend so they weren't required to leave for work in their usual morning rush. She thought it was a miracle they'd managed to get out of bed before eight. While Kensi berated her stomach for needing food more than her entire form needed _him_, she looked over at Deeks and all buoyant considerations vanished from her mind.

His face was stoic, and Kensi acutely noticed that the longer he spoke to Granger, the wider the distance between them grew.

_I knew it was too good to be true!_

Kensi immediately sank against the back of the couch with a sigh, dreading whatever work-related disruption was going to crash into her plans for a lovely breakfast with her boyfriend. Her Deeks. Her man, who last week pampered her for their five-month anniversary. She'd considered the entire event ridiculous, and yet hadn't been able to stop grinning from sunrise to sunset.

Five months.

It felt like a dream, and she was still wondering when she was going to wake up.

'I have to go.'

Kensi felt his words as easily as if a bucket of ice water poured on her face.

_And there it is: reality._

She slowly rose, not liking how he'd said "I" instead of "we". She was his partner – wherever Deeks goes, Kensi goes. The look on his face was unsettling. She automatically longed for the comfort of the bedsheets, and the touch his feather-light kisses against her skin. Kensi regretted leaving the bedroom, the early-morning teasing, and the peaceful routine she was convinced would have remained intact if they'd never ventured into the living room where his phone had lay waiting.

'Where? Ops?' Kensi exhaled. 'We got called in?' She was so hopeful in her use of_ "we",_ which caused Deeks to look away. His face showed his guilt, as he was unable to meet her gaze, and Kensi considered it to be very discouraging.

'Me.' Deeks stared at the floor while she approached. 'I wasn't sure if I would be needed, but now I know. I have to.'

'The mission?' Kensi felt like she was swallowing lead, as she stood in front of his dejected form. She reached to touch his wrist, but the contact offered none of the previous spark or reassurance.

'Yeah.' Deeks frowned.

Six months ago, they were informed by Granger that Deeks might need to go undercover for a while. At the time, those were the only bits of information they'd been granted. It was enough to make them realise that at any moment they could be separated. Kensi and Deeks decided to make the most of it, and before long they'd reached the point of no return. The point were separation seemed almost inconceivable.

Until now.

Reality and it's icy chill had broken the bliss of their warm, innocent morning.

'I don't want you to.' Kensi said honestly, slipping her hand on his wrist into his hand – he curled his fingers around hers to return the gesture.

Her words, and the ease of her almost-subconscious action, was yet another demonstration of how far they'd come. Yet none of their closeness could prevent a bitter call of duty that would inevitably separate them for an undetermined amount of time.

'Believe me, I don't want to go.' Deeks sighed.

He forced his eyes to meet hers, and regretted it when he saw the dread, defiance, and sadness in her brown gaze. Deeks struggled to keep eye contact, whereas Kensi was unable to look away.

'If it goes well, I'll be back in a week. If something's off, or there's a change of plans, I may have to go under deep cover.' Deeks reminded her. 'I'm the only one who can do it, Kens. You know I don't have a choice.'

'I know.' Kensi nodded.

If things had been reversed, and she was going rather than him, the situation would still be the same. She only wondered if she'd have the willpower to step away, as Deeks did now. At first she was annoyed by his ease of walking to the door without saying much else, but when he turned to rush back to her she knew it was only a mask. He had to get out as quickly as possible, because the longer he stayed the less strength he'd have to turn the knob and leave.

'I'll be back.' Deeks promised, pressing his forehead to hers.

Kensi closed her eyes, inhaling his scent, as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. She never wanted to let Deeks go, but repetitively reminded herself it was part of the job.

He never broke a promise to her, and Kensi wasn't about to let him start now.

'You better.' She mock-threatened.

Kensi blinked to absorb the blueness of his gaze, then met him halfway when he pulled her closer for a kiss. It lacked the spark, thrill, and anticipation of earlier – it was desperate, savouring, and connecting. Neither wanted to pull away, and had it not been for the need for oxygen - it was likely they'd never have parted.

'Sorry I couldn't make you chocolate pancakes for breakfast.' Deeks sighed. 'Eat a doughnut for me, okay?'

'I will. Two, even.' Kensi tried to keep the light banter between them, but failed.

She knew it wasn't going to be like any other op – she couldn't be there to back him up, and they would have no way to reach him until he initiated some form of secret code-riddled contact. Kensi didn't even know exactly what the mission was about, and above everything else – that's what she hated most. She couldn't be there to back him up, and it didn't feel right.

Just standing there to watch him walk out the door without her didn't feel right.

'Be careful.' Kensi hurried to the doorway when he crossed through it.

'I will.' Deeks offered her one of his usual smiles. 'You can drop Monty off with Adam if you have to work late.' He added, knowing how hard it was for her to come back to his place without him. He expected a retort from her, a tease even, but nothing came. Halting by the door of his car, Deeks observed every feature of Kensi for a moment longer.

He felt it too. Something wasn't right – something about their goodbye was going to be stretched beyond what they were expecting. It filled him with dread, but Deeks knew he had a job to do.

He was the only one who could do it.

'I'll be back, Fern.' Deeks promised her again, knowing the fears coursing through her. 'As long as you're waiting for me, I'll come back to you. I promise; I'll be back.'

'You better.' Kensi nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. 'I'll be waiting.'

* * *

For three days, all Kensi could do was wait.

She sat in the bullpen, with her elbows rested against the surface of her desk, and looked across to where Deeks should be seated. She tried to picture he was there, joking about one thing or another, but it was getting harder. She missed him. Kensi tossed and turned during each night without him, until she couldn't stand it any longer and took Monty (dog bed and all) to her place. She scolded herself, in every spare moment, for missing him after only three days. He'd been away for much longer before, and yet it bothered her. In five months, it was the longest they'd gone without any contact.

No call, no text...Nothing.

Staring at his desk, with the sound of his laughter echoing in her mind, Kensi tried to push thoughts of Deeks aside to finish working on the magnitude of reports that had materialised in front of her when she'd arrived at work the morning he'd left. She heard a sound nearby, and jerked her head sideways to look. She was almost disappointed to see Callen and Sam walking towards her.

Kensi jumped up, knowing they'd been doing some important surveillance and should have news to report regarding Deeks. Instead, she could only curse Eric for his timing. He didn't say much, but his look of dread spoke volumes.

In a flash, Kensi and the others were following Eric up the stairs into Ops. Granger and Hetty were already there.

Kensi's stomach felt to drop with worry, though her instincts reminded her to stay calm and in control.

'There's been a problem.' Nell informed them, though she looked directly to Kensi when she said it. 'Deeks is fine, but he sent us a location from an untraceable burn phone. We don't know why.'

'The security cameras in the area showed two cars speeding away an hour ago.' Eric added. 'They were reported stolen earlier this morning, and the windows were too dark to identify anyone inside. All we have is the address Deeks gave us.'

'Check it out.' Hetty instructed the others, her gaze also resting primarily on Kensi.

The trio of agents left the room, without a second thought, and hurried down the stairs in record-setting speed. The situation wasn't dire, they knew, but none of them were used to having a team member out in the field without any back-up - or not even knowing the extent of what was going on.

On the morning she'd shown up shortly after Deeks had left, Kensi was relieved to see the bullpen wasn't empty or silent. Callen had joined her rants, and Sam insisted alongside her that the whole thing wasn't right. They reminded her she wasn't alone, yet the absence of Deeks' warmth beside her each morning and night without him made it harder for Kensi to remain optimistic.

Kensi led the way to the warehouse, with every intention to keep her cool, while Callen and Sam drove behind her. Deeks was fine, she tried to convince herself, but the fact he'd sent an address without any additional details did not inspire confidence. The less contact they received from him, the more likely things were going far deeper than anticipated.

And deeper he went, the longer he'd be under his top-secret alias – and away from her.

The address was more than just a warehouse. The area was run-down, partially littered with metal scraps and general debris, and the huge rusting building lacked any decent security. The large doors were spread wide open, and the group had easy access to the location via the road. A blue van was parked outside, so the three agents took things slow. They got out their weapons, and made their way to the warehouse.

Listening for sounds, and hearing none, Sam nodded to the others.

They burst inside, announced themselves, and were met with a huge amount of empty space. There were some tables in the center, and scattered unimportant papers on the dirty floor, but that was about it. Kensi turned around, and headed outside, with Callen trailing beside her. They checked the van urgently, wondering where Deeks was and why he'd sent them there.

The inside of the van showed an emptiness that rivalled the vacancy of the warehouse. The darkened sky overhead matched Kensi's mood, as they shone lights inside the back of the van only to see a smear of red blood on one corner. Kensi felt her breath catch. Was it his blood? Was this meant to be a rescue mission, but they'd arrived too late? For a moment, the sight of him bound to a chair with blood dripping from his mouth flashed into her mind.

She could not go through that, not again.

Kensi tuned out Callen and Sam's arguing about the lack of information, and worry over what was going on, when she spotted something written on the inside of the van. She uncomfortably crawled inside, and moved closer to read the small print scrawled on the metal by a black marker pen. The handwriting was so familiar she didn't need to guess who had written it.

'What is it?' Callen asked.

'Deeks.' Kensi exhaled. 'He's gone deep.'

She slipped out of the van, unable to look at it any more. Kensi walked to the warehouse and pressed her hand against the side wall to steady herself. It was just as she'd feared, but Kensi Blye did not break. She steeled herself for the time yet to pass where three days would shy in comparison to the worry and uncertainty that faced her in the weeks ahead. She hated that he'd be off the grid, in deep cover without her, and yet Kensi was determined to face the challenge head-on.

His words in the van only solidified her stubbornness to get him back; to hold him in her arms once again – never letting go.

'Promises to keep?' Callen read the words aloud once he could see them clearly enough in the beam of his flashlight. 'That's his codeword?'

'It's Deeks.' Sam said with fond amusement. 'What did you expect?'

Kensi headed for her car. They knew she would, and accepted they'd take over from there while she headed back to Ops.

Except, Kensi didn't return to work.

She went straight to his place instead. Their place; she liked to think of it as their home rather than just where he lived and she stayed. Kensi stepped inside, pressing her back to the closed door, and exhaled what felt to be the longest breath of her life. She crossed the room, which was darker than she'd ever known it could be, and gathered a book from a shelf. Her brown eyes fell to a bookmarked page, and knew she was being silly. Ignoring a queasy feeling in her stomach, and the chill in her heart, Kensi read the words carefully.

She spoke parts of the poem, though no one other than Monty was there to hear them.

'Between the woods and frozen lake,' Kensi recited. 'The darkest evening of the year.'

She closed the book and hugged it to her chest. Kensi didn't have to read the final verse, as she could never forget it, and now she never will. She said it anyway, though, as it helped calm her fears – even if it was only for a fleeting moment.

'The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.' Kensi whispered. 'But I have promises to keep...'

Deeks had a job to do, and now so did she. They were going to be okay, because he had promises to keep. As long as she waited for him, everything was going to be fine.

Kensi had to believe in that, if nothing else.

'And miles to go before I sleep.'

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**Author's Notes:** It flowed better not to include the entire poem in the story, but every bit has some relevance to the plot, what's going on with Deeks/Densi, and more. I highly recommend a read, as it perfectly fits this stage of the story. It's _"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"_ by **Robert Frost**. Thanks for reading! Please take a moment to share your feedback! I will be updating as soon as I can get the next chapter written.


	2. Breathe

**Author's Notes: **Thank you to every person who has been reading this, and to each reviewer for sharing your thoughts. And to G, for pestering me to get this up. Bless her, _I think._ It's because of her this fic also contains Nallen, and it's my first time writing it so I hope I do it justice. Enjoy!

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**~ Breathe ~**

Nell paused when she walked partway into the Mission, with the bullpen on one side and the stairs on the other.

She exhaled a long breath, glanced at the single occupant in the bullpen, and turned to ascend the stairs. It was early. So early, in fact, that Nell was not at all surprised by the lack of people moving around the building. If it weren't for the pen and paper violence happening at Kensi's desk, Nell knew the area would have been eerily silent.

Turning to enter the Ops Center, which she had come to consider as her home away from home, Nell realised she had miscounted her recognisable company. Callen sat at a desk, in a shadowy corner, with his blue gaze fixated on the screen in front of him. Nell didn't greet him because that's not how it worked, though she hid a brief smile during the walk to her desk.

The otherwise quietness outside the room did not continue within, as the hum of computers and tapping of keys eased the familiarity of the area. Nell sat down and exhaled again, focusing her attention on her own computer screen. She quickly recognised a scent she longed for, and glanced to see a steaming cup of coffee sitting in front of her.

She blinked, and worked out where it had come from.

'I thought you might need it.' Callen's voice reached her, though neither turned around.

'You think I _need_ coffee?' Nell countered. Some might confuse her response with teasing, whereas Nell was actually rather curious.

She reached for the cup, and inhaled the Heavenly smell, knowing she _did_ need it on a morning like this. According to her calculations, Callen was one of the few people at work who knew her secret objection to the rise of the morning sun. Or, at the very least, he was the only one who had never called her on it. Not outright, at least. Nell had no confirmation that he knew, other than when he gave her simplistic gestures to show his otherwise concealed knowledge - like having a coffee waiting for her during the earliest hours of the morning.

'Of course not.' He answered, knowing Nell would detect the amusement in his tone.

'Hm.' Nell nodded, enjoying her sip of the dark liquid. 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.' Callen sighed.

Nell heard his clicking become more frequent, knowing whatever he was doing was frustrating him. She didn't say anything, as Nell knew how these rare moments worked. Yet the constant, unnecessary clicks of his mouse were not soothing sounds to her ears so early in the day. She swerved her chair around, making sure it made a sound, and looked in his direction. With a quick action of his wrist, the screen in front of him went blank. What might seem secretive, or a sign of distrust to most, Nell easily saw truth in a way others often overlooked. It was who she was; Nell knew some people looked at life and saw the surface, or the depths underneath, but that's not how she worked – she had to see the whole ocean.

She waited, patiently, for him to give her his direct attention.

'I'm fine.' Callen said automatically, with a casual shrug and attempted smile.

'I didn't ask.' Nell stated calmly.

A silence followed. It wasn't awkward or uneven, yet Callen fidgeted while Nell simply watched him.

She was still waiting.

'I was, uh, just trying to find out what's going on with Deeks.' He admitted, using the same shrug and lopsided look everyone had become accustomed to. He portrayed it as no big deal, and Nell knew better.

The thing that always confused her was how Callen _knew_ she'd see through it, yet never worked harder to prevent the transparency.

Not to her, at least.

'It's been a month.' Nell said matter-of-factly.

As if on cue, there was a resounding noise from downstairs. Neither Nell nor Callen flinched at the sound. It had become a regular occurrence each day for Kensi to perform some act of violence in between cases. Especially at the start of the day, or end of it.

'I better go check my desk is still there.' Callen decided, with a hint of exasperated amusement. 'You'll met me know?'

'Of course.' Nell nodded, angling her chair so she could face her screen again.

Not a lot of people could understand how they communicated. There seemed to be a lot of gaps and confusions, but to Nell and Callen - they didn't need the extra words.

She knew his secret too.

While Nell sipped her refreshing coffee, Callen made his way into the bullpen. He exhaled and sat beside Kensi, glancing warily in her direction.

'Morning.'

Kensi ignored him entirely, still flipping through a file Callen had a suspicion she probably shouldn't be reading. She'd been like that for weeks – the first to arrive and the last to leave. Kensi tuned out anything around her, succumbing to her moody determination to find answers. She barely even noticed Sam entering, or Eric, or Granger.

The only sound able to penetrate her wall of exclusion was Eric's piercing whistle.

'We found DeMario.' He told them, and hurried back up the stairs.

Sam and Callen got up to follow suit, but paused at the bottom of the steps when they noticed Kensi hadn't moved. She growled, and marched towards them. Kensi didn't care about their current case, or the suspected drug trafficker. All she cared about was Deeks, and she missed him a bit more every passing day. Her mind kept flashing through random moments they'd shared, each time unaware of how they would be ripped away from the other for over a month without any contact at all.

She did her job; Kensi stood around in Ops, listening to the suspect's location, and offered her opinions when she was expected to speak. She did everything to focus on what was right in front of her, yet even then she struggled to care. DeMario had killed three people – one a Marine beloved by his family, but Kensi was closed off from it all. It didn't seem right, to be investigating a case without her partner - and without anyone even mentioning him. It was like Deeks had just up and left.

It made Kensi furious.

She bit her tongue to prevent the comments from leaving her thoughts, and followed the other two agents out of the Mission. She sat in the back seat, and was glad they'd learned not to bother making conversation with her unless it directly related to the job at hand. Or Deeks.

Kensi got out of the car, and looked around. They were near a park, but it was the rental building across the road they had their eyes on. Sam took the lead, while Kensi and Callen dutifully trailed behind him.

They were about to enter the building when Kensi spotted movement around the side.

'Back alley!' Kensi declared. 'DeMario.'

She took off running after the tanned man dressed in baggy pants and a dark hoodie. She almost pitied him; he would be her outlet today. Kensi had taken to jogging longer distances each morning, with all the extra time she could have spent sleeping - if she'd been able to get more than five hours a night. Her quickened pace, as she chased the man around the building and into the street, surpassed the other two agents behind her.

Kensi let anger fuel her strides, her gun already tucked away at her side in favour of freeing her hands. DeMario was fast, likely used to the criminal life on the run, but she was faster and far more determined. Kensi charged ahead like a bull seeing red, until DeMario swerved to head for the park.

It was there that something went terribly wrong.

'Ugh!' Kensi slipped down the slope, startled by her sudden lack of grace and control.

Her head was slightly dizzy, and she felt nauseous. Gasping, she looked up to hear the click of a weapon. DeMario had seized the upper-hand of the exchange, pulling out a gun to aim at her. Kensi had time to reach for her own gun, she had time to announce herself and threaten his life if he didn't obey, but she never had to.

'Federal Agents!' Callen shouted from somewhere behind her. 'Drop the gun!'

DeMario was not a man who wanted to surrender, already aware of how unkind prison could be. He took his chances, and Callen did exactly what he was supposed to: he fired his weapon, and DeMario fell to the grass.

'Kensi?' Sam questioned from her other side.

She didn't even know when he'd got there. Kensi was barely aware of DeMario slumping on the ground feet from where she shakily stood. She was about to say how fine she was, when she looked over at the pooling blood at the man's torso. She hunched over, enduring a head-spin, and a wave of nausea hit her. Kensi had no warning when the scent of blood reached her nostrils - she promptly threw up on the grass.

She was oblivious to the reactions of the other two, as Kensi struggled to keep her balance. She exhaled, and pulled a face of disgust, then winced. She slowly straightened, placing a hand against her unsettled stomach, and caught sight of Sam.

'You look sick.' Sam commented. 'This is not the first time this week you've been a bit off-balance.' He added it with concern, which was mutely mirrored in Callen's blue eyes.

Kensi shook it off at first, convinced she was just distracted and worried out of her mind about Deeks. The dizziness spreading through her caused Kensi to re-evaluate her resolve, and to realise maybe it wasn't true.

'I'm gonna...' She muttered, pointing in the opposite direction of the messy patch of grass in front of her.

Her pace was gradual, in wariness of her unstable stomach, as she headed up the slope she'd slipped down moments earlier. The nausea was fading, and it only confused her further. She tried to work out what she'd eaten recently, but Kensi hadn't paid much attention to anything lately - she honestly couldn't remember.

Getting out her phone, Kensi called Hetty to ask for the rest of the day off.

Kensi was stubborn, but she'd almost gotten a bullet in her head because of whatever her body was putting her through. A pang of emotion forced itself into her awareness; Kensi knew if she'd had her partner to back her up, it would have been no big deal. But she didn't have Deeks with her right now - she was essentially on her own. So, Kensi did the one thing she knew to do in the situation: gain control, and survive it.

That meant she had to put a stop to whatever was throwing her unsteady.

* * *

Kensi was slouched in the uncomfortable chair, her face showing her irritation towards sitting in the weird-smelling room. She sighed, and straightened only slightly when the doctor rejoined her.

'Well?' She asked.

'It's as I suspected.' The aged man nodded thoughtfully, looking down at the papers in his hands. She'd had a urine and blood test done earlier, and was only now getting the results.

Kensi bit back a retort, sliding upwards in her chair when she saw the serious look on his face. Worries beginning to make themselves known, Kensi frowned at the pause in the conversation. Could she really be sick, or was it worse? Was something wrong with her that she'd somehow overlooked until it slipped beyond her control?

'Yes, there's no doubt.' The doctor nodded. 'I believe you're pregnant, Ms Blye.'

'Preg-what?' Kensi paled. All of her thoughts washed blank at the single phrase. 'No-Wait, that's...There has to be a mistake!'

She got to her feet, fighting the urge to pace the too-clean floor beside her chair. She inhaled a long breath, and shakily sank back into the seat.

'It can't be.' Kensi whispered.

'The tests are quite conclusive.' He nodded, looking over the papers again. 'We'll schedule an ultrasound for you tomorrow-'

'No!' Kensi snapped at him angrily. 'I'm _not_ pregnant.'

'Have you had sexual intercourse recently?' The doctor prodded patiently.

He'd seen her a few times in the past; not many, as Kensi only sought medical advice or assistance if she felt she had no other choice. He didn't know her too well, but just enough to understand he had to remain bluntly professional during the visit - rather than offer comfort, as he would for most shocked patients who heard unexpected or worrying news.

'No.' Kensi frowned, then halted. 'I mean, yes.' She ducked her head, thinking of the numerous times in the past months when Deeks had been tangled in the sheets with her. She blushed at the graphic images in her mind, and was glad to have already broken eye contact with the man seated at his desk across from her.

'Did you use protection each time?' He continued.

'I...' Kensi shook her head, unsure. 'I don't...'

She was confident they had, but it bothered her that she couldn't be absolutely certain. It had been over a month since she'd even seen Deeks - the little details she hadn't thought would be prudent to remember, had since faded from her mind.

'Oh, my God.' Kensi uttered, panic filling her.

The shock began to rise, causing rapidly incoherent thoughts to flood her mind. She struggled to breathe, then tried to work out what she was meant to do. Instead, Kensi did the one thing she knew she could do: she ran.

'Ms Blye-'

Kensi ignored the voice behind her, as she stood and hurried from the office. She passed families, which made her entire form swirl with emotions she couldn't get a grip on. The place felt to be suffocating her; Kensi increased her pace until she'd burst outside. The early-afternoon sunlight beamed down on her, but she felt cold all over.

Shivering, Kensi headed to her car and got in. She sat in the driver's seat for a long time, her hands tightly gripping the steering wheel.

_Pregnant._

The word went through her mind a dozen times, but still she couldn't comprehend it. She tried other words, like: baby, child, mother, _father..._

'No.' Kensi winced. 'No, it's not-'

Starting the engine, Kensi drove as far away from the building as she could. She tried to outrun the truth, but it followed her wherever she went. Kensi didn't know where she was going, until she parked hazardously, and looked up. An icy feeling extended through her at the sight of the place she'd been avoiding for weeks. She carefully got out of the vehicle, and approached the building, knowing she had her own key.

Slipping it shakily into the lock, Kensi turned the knob and stepped into the room.

It had been weeks since she'd stood in the doorway of the place Deeks had lived, and where she was slowly considering to be _their_ place. Monty was staying with Adam, as Deeks had recommended if she was working too much to care for him. Kensi felt guilty about it, but knew Adam was a good person. He had to be, if Deeks trusted his old college buddy with Monty's care.

Kensi staggered to the couch and sank against its surface. She hung her head, and raked her hands desperately through her curly strands of dark hair. There were tears on her face, but she scarcely noticed.

A small part of Kensi had hoped Deeks would be there to reassure her, by some miracle, but she was alone.

'Deeks.' Kensi grumbled, her hand slowly sliding to her stomach. She frowned, realising there was a slight bump. It was easily missed, but now she couldn't ignore it. Deeks had left her, and yet a tiny part of him remained. A part of her and Deeks would be together forever; growing inside her to form a new person. A little person who would need so much – love, care, supervision, guidance, a home...

Kensi couldn't take it.

She forced her mind to shut off, to focus on one thing only: breathing. She inhaled, then exhaled, and lifted her gaze around the room. A frown formed on her face when she noticed something tucked underneath a book on the coffee table. She reached over to snatch it, and saw her name written on the folded front. _How had she missed this before?_ With a nervous breath, Kensi flipped it open to read. Even as she absorbed every word, she heard them as though the letter was read aloud to her by Deeks.

It took her ten minutes to get through it - the letter wasn't longer than a few sentences, but her eyes had welled with tears. It was simple, yet gave her the strength she needed to rise from the couch.

Kensi made her way to the bedroom, her hand still tenderly clutching the letter, and went inside. She lay on the bed, not caring about anything else in the world, and inhaled the scent of Deeks that lingered on the covers. Tears still fell, which she often wiped away with the sheet she clutched, but otherwise her brown eyes stared straight ahead. Kensi lay there for a long time; so long the bedroom had darkened by the setting of the sun.

She vaguely wondered if she could ever move again, before her eyes slowly closed and sleep took its hold on her.

* * *

The next morning had an air of dramatic difference.

Callen and Sam wandered into the Mission earlier than usual, expecting to see Kensi already at her desk where they'd endure another round of moodiness. She was unbelievably stubborn; being sick the day before wasn't necessarily a guarantee that she'd take the day off work if she thought she could handle it.

However, when they walked in and saw the vacancy of the bullpen, Sam and Callen were intrigued. Sam sat down first, then looked across the room. He spotted Kensi's familiar form, and nodded to Callen - who turned around in his chair to look.

'Are you certain, Ms Blye?'

'Yes.' Kensi nodded adamantly, though the waver in her tone contradicted her words.

She had no idea if this was the right choice, but she now had something new to consider. No matter how reckless, stubborn, or determined she could be – Kensi had something very precious to protect. Something that couldn't protect itself. She instinctively went to touch her stomach, but dropped her hand quickly. After her nap at Deeks' place the afternoon before, Kensi had woken later in the night and hadn't slept since. With a day to grasp the truth, it still remained as evasive and confusing as it had when she'd heard the news.

A part of her couldn't even believe it was actually true.

'I'm not mission-ready, Hetty.' Kensi sighed. 'I have to do this.'

'For how long?' Hetty asked between sips of her tea.

In a way only Hetty could, the older woman didn't look the slightest bit surprised by Kensi's decision to step away from the job for a while. Kensi fearfully wondered if Hetty knew even more than she did. It made Kensi furthermore defensive of her secret, not daring to reveal what she herself could barely wrap her mind around.

'I don't know.' Kensi shrugged. 'Until Deeks comes back, maybe?'

'And what about Mr Deeks?' Hetty checked. 'Your partner may need you here.'

'I've asked Nell to keep me updated on that.' Kensi answered.

She felt to be under scrutiny or judgement – as though she was somehow ditching Deeks when he needed her. She furiously reminded herself that right now she needed him, and he wasn't there.

'If anything changes, I'll be back.' Kensi hoped she could stand by her words.

'Very well, Ms Blye.' Hetty conceded. 'Do what you need to do.'

'Thank you, Hetty.'

Kensi turned around, and spotted Callen leaning against the lattice. He watched her patiently, with his hands crossed over his chest. He wasn't in hearing range, but had lingered nearby enough to show his curiosity and hidden concern. Kensi smiled a little, thinking Nell was right in once saying Callen wasn't nearly as closed off as he thought.

'Everything okay?' Callen asked when she walked around him to her desk to gather some of her things.

Kensi halted, not making eye contact, and didn't know what to reply with. She didn't think she was okay; rather, she wasn't sure she even knew what the word meant anymore. Kensi didn't share personal details without some necessity for it, but generally she didn't otherwise keep secrets from her team either. Overall, she was more open with then than she was with most boyfriends she'd had in the past. Except Deeks, who she fiercely refused to place into the _"past"_ category.

Deeks was coming back, Kensi knew, or else she was going to hunt him down and drag him back.

'I don't know.' Kensi straightened, looking directly at Callen. 'Maybe. Maybe not. I'm taking time off until I can figure it out. If anything happens...'

'We'll call.' Callen nodded, knowing she was referring to Deeks.

'You'd just...leave?' Sam questioned, trying to understand her motives.

Kensi looked between the two men, and knew they were surprised. Without telling them why she had to go, Kensi couldn't really justify her actions. Shrugging her shoulders rather dismissively, Kensi resumed the gathering of her belongings. She left enough behind to keep her desk claimed, but the rest were shoved into her bag or tucked into the pockets of her jacket.

Admittedly, it wasn't much.

'I have to get my head on straight.' Kensi added, preparing to leave. 'I'm no use here until I do.'

She wanted to say something else, maybe a _"good luck"_ or some form of farewell, but she couldn't. It would feel too final, and Kensi wasn't ready for that. With a slump of her shoulders, Kensi walked out of the Mission. She paused near the door to take in the sight of the place she may not see again for quite some time.

She couldn't do much for Deeks right now, but she was certainly going to do her very best for the little bit of her and Deeks apparently growing inside her.

After leaving the Mission, Kensi tossed her stuff into the back seat of her car without any ounce of concern. She drove away as fast as she could – within the legal speed limits, of course. She had to get away before she changed her mind.

When she'd arrived at work that morning, Kensi had no idea what she was going to do. She'd sat at her desk for over two hours, just staring at the letter Deeks had left her. She envisioned all the ways she could break the news to him, but it only made her furthermore depressed - they were words he'd never hear.

Not yet, anyway.

Now Kensi had only one piece of clarity left: she knew exactly where to go to help organise the bubbles of confusion and fear swarming her mind. Fifteen years ago she wouldn't have considered it, but a lot of things had changed in the last two years.

She parked in the driveway of the huge property, knowing she should have called first. Kensi knew, if she had reached for her phone, she probably wouldn't have been able to walk to the front door. Even then, she hesitated. Kensi felt unbearably nervous; not knowing what to expect from the occupant within.

She was scared of her own mother.

The house looked bigger than she remembered it, though Kensi knew it was only due to the foreboding nature of her visit. It had taken her just under half an hour to get there, but a whole day felt to have passed since she'd left the Mission with the decision to go to the one person who might have any idea what she was going through.

Pressing the doorbell before she could change her mind and flee, Kensi steeled herself for what was coming. She couldn't stay at Deeks' place, not without him or Monty, yet her place wasn't good enough either. Kensi knew she needed someone who could help her sort through what was surely going to throw her so far out of the loop that Kensi feared she might lose herself along the way.

She paced, hesitated some more, then resigned herself to the impatience of waiting. Kensi realised she didn't even know if her mother was home, until the sound of footsteps quelled that almost-hopeful thought.

The door opened and Julia stood there, surprised to find her daughter standing before her without any indication of asking beforehand. Kensi always called ahead first, just to make sure it was okay to stop by. Kensi was still unsure, and never wanted to intrude regardless of how many times her mother showed a reluctance to ever let her go.

Kensi was relying on that now.

'Hey, Mum.' Kensi said nervously, trying to remain calm.

'Kensi.' Julia said. She smiled at the unexpected visit, though she noticed the anxiety in her daughter's eyes. 'Is everything okay?'

'No.' Kensi shook her head, her voice breaking for just a second. 'Remember a few months back, when you said if I ever wanted to stay?'

'Of course.' Julia nodded, hope shining in her eyes.

'Can I stay, Mum?' Kensi swallowed.

The smile of joy and relief showing in her mother's expression brought her to a pause, while Kensi gathered herself to openly admit what she was yet to truly believe.

'I'm having a...'

'Yes?' Julia prodded.

'Baby.' Kensi forced out, feeling a shiver of unease course through her.

'What?' Julia gasped. She stepped forward to embrace Kensi, a smile of awe forming on her face as she pulled her daughter closer.

Kensi felt tears in her eyes, as she wrapped her arms around her mother. A noise of surprise escaped her lips upon feeling the warmth of her mother's love and acceptance. Kensi desperately needed that support, without even realising until she had it.

'Come inside.' Julia encouraged, keeping an arm looped around her daughter's back.

Kensi nodded, and walked into the house. She barely took any notice of how little it had changed since her last visit several months ago, and allowed her mother to lead her into the living room. They sat down on one of the wide sofas, and Julia released a breath of disbelief. She hadn't stopped smiling, whereas Kensi still squirmed with uncertainty.

'How far along are you?' Julia wanted to know, though her questioning wasn't pushy.

Kensi slowly began to feel at ease, and knew this was where she needed to be right now.

'I walked out of the doctor's before he could tell me' Kensi admitted, ducking her head. 'Maybe, four months? Close to that, I think.'

'Oh.' Julia looked downcast for a moment, trying to hide her disappointment.

'I just found out.' Kensi added hurriedly, annoyed at herself for not saying that first. 'You're the first person I've told.'

'And the father?' Julia wondered, relaxing a little. She felt blessed that her daughter had told her first, and reached over to clasp Kensi's hand with her own. 'Is it Marty?'

'What? I...How-?' Kensi stared at the other woman, then looked away. 'We've been seeing each other for months. I didn't say anything sooner because...I don't know.' She scoffed, shaking her head.

Kensi regretted not telling her mother more about what was going on in her life. Being with Deeks felt so special and sacred - she hadn't wanted to share it with anyone. A part of her had been afraid that if she shared it, he too could be taken away from her. A small part of her brain reminded her he had, in a way, been taken from her. The only difference was his promise to come back, and her trust in his words.

'Where is he?' Julia wondered, looking around as if expecting Deeks to walk through the doors and join them.

'He's undercover.' Kensi said quietly, allowing her sadness to define her tone. 'He doesn't know. There's no way to contact him. He could be under for...A long time.'

'Oh, honey.' Julia pulled her into a sideways embrace. Usually, she was more cautious of any contact she initiated with Kensi since their reunion, but the moment was too big for her not to reach out to her daughter. 'You can stay here as long as you like. Nothing would make me happier.'

'Thanks, Mum.' Kensi said with relief, tears in her eyes again. This time she brushed them aside, and frowned when she felt hungry. 'Uh...' She glanced towards the kitchen, as her stomach rumbled.

'What would you like?' Julia immediately jumped up from the sofa, keen to help and be involved in her daughter's life in a way she never thought she'd be so lucky to have. She was going to be a grandmother, and it filled her with so much joy - Julia often feared Kensi wouldn't return to her before that stage in her life happened.

'Something sweet.' Kensi said the first thing her mind suggested in relation to food. 'With cheese.'

'I think I can figure something out.' Julia nodded, walking around the kitchen counter to prepare a meal with mastered ease.

Julia sorted through the fridge, and gathered an armful of vegetables. She placed them on the counter, and looked over at Kensi – only to see her daughter had slid sideways on the couch and fallen asleep. A proud smile on her lips, though she felt concerned as well, Julia approached where Kensi lay. Julia bent to softly press a kiss to Kensi's forehead, and draped a light rug over her.

Julia returned to the kitchen, deciding she'll let Kensi rest and wake her when the meal was ready.

Julia worked hard for the lifestyle she led, and all the luxuries she owned, but none of it meant much when she never had anyone to share it with. She was worried about her daughter, and hoped Deeks would be back soon. Overall, the idea of having her daughter and little grandchild staying with her overruled everything else. For years Julia had lost her, and now there Kensi was – sleeping on the couch after announcing Julia going to be a grandmother. While Kensi's life felt to be spiralling out of control, Julia could not stop smiling.

She knew being a mother was the most wonderful part of her life, and she would do everything she could to help Kensi understand that as well.

* * *

It had taken several days, but after getting a bit settled in at her mother's house, Kensi finally listened when Julia insisted on calling the doctor back. It took some coercing, but Kensi was soon laying on her back to stare at the ultrasound monitor beside her. She'd convinced her mother she'd be fine to go alone, and did exactly that. Julia was disappointed to miss the chance to join her, but Kensi simply could not go with her mother - she had to do this on her own. Kensi needed to face the truth because she still hadn't entirely accepted it was real.

Kensi had only been going through the motions, but once she saw the moving shape on the screen – her heart skipped a beat.

'There we go.' The kind lady pointed to the black and white shape of the baby.

Kensi was startled to take in the fact she really hadn't just gotten pregnant shortly before Deeks left, but rather she'd had a little being inside her for months. She gasped, in startled realisation, how Deeks had been beside her during that time. It wasn't happening now – the baby had been there all along; they just hadn't known it yet. Suddenly, the way he'd rubbed her stomach, on the day she'd seen him last, brought tears to her eyes. He didn't even realise his greatest wish had been right at his fingertips.

Kensi knew Deeks would want the child. When Kensi watched the screen, she knew there had never been any doubt about her keeping it.

'He's healthy.' The technician smiled.

'He?' Kensi choked. She was unable to shift her gaze from the moving, colourless image on the monitor's screen.

'Oh, you didn't know?' The lady was surprised, given how reasonably along Kensi was. 'It's a boy.'

'A boy.' Kensi whispered.

The technician was talking, but Kensi's ears stopped working. She reminded herself to breathe, as it was the only thing she could control anymore. Kensi could not avert her gaze – she couldn't even think. Her mind was void of everything, except those three words that were every bit the proof she sought: It's a boy.

_She had a son. _

A baby boy was growing inside her; part herself, and part Deeks. Kensi tried to believe it, but the whole thing was still faraway. For the first time, since her doctor's appointment, Kensi wanted to believe it. The evidence in front of her was undeniable to every degree. In five months or so, she would be bringing a little boy into the world. A child. She was going to be a mother. The little boy, who she already felt a swell of protectiveness and love for, was the single most important thing in her life now.

Her life, which will never be the same again from that moment forward.

Deeks wasn't there, but he had left her with something she could cherish beyond anything Kensi thought could be possible: _a son._


	3. Doughnuts and Apples

**Author's****Notes:** Thanks to all my readers, and reviewers, as always for your support. Also - thanks to G for being so helpful, generally awesome, and for inspiring parts of scenes during those moments when my mind decides to blank on me. Enjoy!

* * *

**~ Doughnuts and Apples ~**

Julia liked Saturdays. It was the day for a break, to relax, and not have to worry about anything.

Two months ago, her Saturdays had gone from generally peaceful to her favourite time of the week. She still worked, though hardly at all, since Kensi had decided to stay with her during the pregnancy. Saturdays, however, was their day together without any plans - expect the ones they made that morning.

Kensi had always been very independent, even as a child, so Julia didn't mind watching her daughter wander away to laze around the house during a morning, or shut herself upstairs for an afternoon. Regardless, they always ate dinner together every night. Sometimes Kensi was moody and her presence at the house was outstandingly obvious; other days it was so quiet Julia fought the urge to check her daughter was still there.

The one thing that remained, no matter what mood Kensi was in, were her habits.

Julia remembered their first grocery shopping trip together a few days after Kensi had settled in. Her freezer suddenly became home to a variety of ice cream containers, and her once-cleared coffee table was now the foundation for a stack of magazines. In less than a fortnight, Julia had her spotlessly clean house turned into a disaster zone**.** That was an exaggeration, she knew, but with how empty her house had looked previously – it felt accurate enough. Luckily, her motherly instincts had kicked in within the first week. She scolded Kensi for making too much mess, and made sure her daughter only draped a sweater over the couch or piled books on a table.

It had been quite an adjustment at first, but Julia secretly liked being a full-time mother again. Kensi was a grown woman expecting her own child, but she was still Julia's daughter.

'Kensi?'

Julia descended the stairs and glanced to the living room where Kensi spent a majority of her time in the morning. The room was vacant. She looked around the wall to the wide windowed doors leading to the backyard, and spotted Kensi near the pool. It had been fenced recently, as both Julia and Kensi had been worried about the security of it the pool the baby arrived.

It was the first confirmation Julia heard that Kensi intended to stay for longer than just up until Deeks returned.

Stepping outside, Julia walked to the pool's edge and smiled. Kensi was sprawled out on her back, resting comfortably on one of the long chairs. A magazine was flopped open over her enlarged stomach, while Kensi faced upwards at the sunlit morning sky. Julia could tell she was awake, despite the dark sunglasses over Kensi's eyes, because her face was far too contemplating.

'Honey?' Julia started. 'I think it's time we set up the nursery, don't you?'

'No.' Kensi grumbled in reply, not moving.

'Kensi.' Julia sat on the chair beside her. 'The baby needs somewhere to sleep.'

'I know.' Kensi exhaled, removing her sunglasses to look at her mother. 'I don't want to yet. Deeks isn't here.'

She didn't have to explain. Julia and Kensi already had the exact conversation before, many times. Kensi did everything she could to put off setting up the nursery; she wanted Deeks to be there for every moment. Kensi delayed as much as she could in hope that he will be there by the time it was necessary.

'Kensi.' Julia tried again. She didn't like doing the important things in the last minute, so she didn't back down this time. 'It's just a room for him or her to sleep in. Marty will not care if it's pink or green, or filled to the ceiling with stuffed toys.'

Kensi snorted at those words, and sighed. She knew the nursery needed to be done, and with the rate of her growing stomach - Kensi really didn't want to try putting a room together when she was waddling around.

'I'm going to do some shopping.' Julia rose, knowing how to negotiate when Kensi was being especially stubborn. 'You should come. We don't have to buy a lot today, but you hardly leave the house. I think it will be good for you to get out for a while.'

'We're out of doughnuts.' Kensi added, as if she intended to stay.

She didn't, though, as it wasn't a choice she could go through with. She had tried to hide it, but Kensi was so bored. She didn't sit around as much as her mother assumed, but she'd been away from NCIS for two months - Kensi still struggled to work out how to spend her time.

Nell called her every so many days to update her whenever they heard from Deeks, though it wasn't a common or regular occurrence. Whenever Nell asked what she was up to, Kensi just said she was bonding with her mother. A part of Kensi's decision to stay at the house as much as possible was because of a paranoid fear that someone from her team would see her walking around with a pregnant belly.

Unable to stay by the pool while her mother went shopping, Kensi got up without any further hesitation. She headed upstairs to change from her swimwear to something more comfortable. Kensi spent a while in front of the mirror, feeling glad her mother had bought her some maternity jeans. She pulled on a long-sleeved black shirt, which Kensi thought hid her belly a little better. Not much, as the bump was certainly noticeable, but she felt content to be seen in public without melting inside a large jacket.

Making her way downstairs, Kensi joined her mother at the doorway.

Julia was smiling at her, and Kensi rolled her eyes at the obvious fondness. Her mother must have sore cheeks by now, Kensi thought, as Julia was always looking in her direction with such joy. Kensi was privately glad to make her mother so proud and excited. She wished she could feel the same way; as much as she already loved her unborn baby, all Kensi could think about was how Deeks was missing out on it all. Kensi didn't think she deserved to laugh and celebrate when he was somewhere else, unaware of the little boy's existence, and likely putting his life in danger so he could finish his job. When the mission was over, Deeks could come home. Until then, Kensi took care of their baby and reserved her happiest moments for later.

Nothing would bring her more joy than to have Deeks beside her, exactly where he belonged.

* * *

Granger walked across the Mission to reach Hetty's desk. She was sipping her tea, like any other day, but the look in her eyes showed her understanding of what he was about to mention.

'Do you have something to report, Owen?' Hetty asked, a tad bitterly.

It had been over three months, and still no one knew precisely where Deeks was or what he was doing.

'We received an encrypted message from Detective Deeks an hour ago.' Granger shared. 'He's completed a shipment, and sent us the location to pick it up.'

'A shipment of what?' Hetty pressed.

'Weapons.' Granger said, sliding a file across the desk. 'This contains everything you need to know about Operation Cloaked Order.'

'Why now?' Hetty wondered, grabbing the file to flip it open.

A picture of Deeks was the first thing she noticed. It seemed odd to her, for a photo to be included, until she realised it wasn't just a mission Deeks was conducting.

He _was_ the mission.

'Something changed.' Granger said, masking his expression. 'It's become unpredictable.'

'Is it ever predictable, Owen?' Hetty sighed, reading through the details.

Granger's next words were cut off by a sound in the other room. They each turned to look over at the bullpen when Callen ran to his desk and hurriedly sorted through some papers. Intrigued, and despite the need to discuss Deeks' case, the pair walk towards the bullpen to see what Callen was up to.

'Did you lose something, Mr Callen?' Hetty asked coolly, trying to remember the last time she'd seen Callen in such a rush inside the office.

'Uh-' Callen sounded flustered, then grabbed a sheet of paper. 'No. No, I got it.' He tucked it into his pocket.

Callen looked as if he was bracing himself to tell them something, perhaps to explain his actions, then instead turned to run back to Ops like a teenager escaping a grounding.

'Not again.' Hetty groaned, earning herself a confused look from Granger. 'They've all been running around this place for the last month like chickens without their heads.'

'That could be a problem.' Granger said, thinking about the efficiency of the team.

'Only for me.' Hetty fixed him with a stern look. 'They've had to work that extra bit harder lately - with Mr Deeks in the field, and Ms Blye on leave.'

'Hm.' Granger glanced away, and Hetty instantly became suspicious.

'There is something you're not telling me, Owen.' Hetty stated, rather than asked. 'You know I don't like to be kept in the dark.'

'Read the file.' Granger indicated to the classified folder in her hand. 'Leave the rest to me.'

He turned to walk out of the Mission, leaving Hetty standing there to watch him with a displeased look. She shook her head, and glanced in the direction of the stairs where she heard Nell's laughter flowing from the Ops Center. For now, Hetty focused solely on the file in her hand, knowing she'd finally been granted answers.

Hetty had a lot of reading to do.

* * *

Julia wandered through an isle of diaper bags until one finally caught her eye. She lifted it from the shelf, admiring its many pockets, and turned to show Kensi her find.

Julia sighed when, once again, her pregnant daughter had somehow vanished from sight.

Kensi was very stealthy about leaving her side, but Julia had a strong suspicion about where her daughter had gone. Julia walked around the next two isles, moving forward until she spotted her usually-serious daughter testing the squishiness of a blue teddy bear. Julia had to smile at how importance Kensi placed on the texture of every toy she'd picked up. A part of her _"Agent mode"_ shone through in every moment Kensi stopped to check if something was good enough for her baby.

The only part Julia mildly objected to was the selections themselves – she was trying to shop for practical items, such as furniture, whereas Kensi could not tear her eyes from the onesies, stuffed toys, and baby blankets.

'Kensi.' Julia tried to sound stern, but Kensi was rather comical to watch.

Her daughter, who had insisted on being miserable during the entire shopping trip, had begun to show her softer side in a way Julia hadn't seen in a very long time. Instead of commenting further, Julia looked into the shopping trolley Kensi had chosen to take with her. It was considerably fuller since Julia had seen it last, but there was a particular observation that made her look rather slyly at Kensi.

'Honey?' Julia said.

Her tone caused her daughter to look at her with innocent alarm. It was the sort of look she'd frequently used as a teenager, when Kensi was caught doing something she knew she could get away with.

'This is a nice blanket.' Julia commented, holding up the blue material.

'It's very soft.' Kensi nodded.

'And this is a cute little shirt.' Julia continued, raising the blue shirt with a colourful train printed on the front. 'I couldn't help but notice most of your purchases have a certain colour scheme. Blue?'

'It's...' Kensi faltered with a shy look, averting her gaze. 'It's a really good colour, Mum.'

'It is.' Julia agreed, folding the blanket to return it to the trolley. 'Especially for a boy.'

She was aware of Kensi's tiresome efforts to keep the gender of the baby a secret from her. Julia accurately suspected it was because only Deeks was supposed to know, yet the doting grandmother was very eager to find out if she had a grandson or granddaughter. The many shades of blue in the shopping trolley was a very clear indicator.

'And-it's also the colour of Deeks' eyes.' Kensi continued, squirming a little.

'How about this one?' Julia reached to get a pink elephant from a nearby shelf, hiding her amusement. The look of disgust on Kensi's face was immediately questioned by her mischievous mother.

'Pink's not a good colour at all.' Kensi argued, then huffed with defeat.

She had gotten a bit carried away with the shopping, and it had slipped her mind that her mother didn't know the baby's gender yet. The grin on Julia's face was contagious, and Kensi soon gave up her battle.

'Kensi?'

'It's a boy.' She confirmed with a pout. 'I'm having a baby boy.'

Julia made a sound of excitement and wrapped an arm around Kensi, delighted by the admittance. She'd have been just as thrilled if it was a girl; Julia simply basked in the knowledge of exactly what gender-orientated items she could splurge on. Although, Kensi had that department mostly covered – Julia thought with a smile, as she looked back into the trolley.

'Come on,' Julia encouraged. 'I want to show you something.'

Kensi sighed and placed the bear back on the shelf, deciding it wasn't soft enough for her boy to cuddle. Its ears were too small, and its paws a bit prickly. It had to be just right, or else Kensi wasn't buying it. She let her mother take control of the trolley, as Kensi followed beside her and rubbed a hand over her swollen stomach without realising. She grumbled a little, as her feet were getting sore from all the walking around, but kept going. Kensi was stubborn and wasn't about to let aching ankles slow her down when she could finally enjoy some freedom outside the house.

Kensi didn't wander off as much once she'd picked out a few booties, and overloaded the trolley with diapers. Julia helped her select most of the basics for the nursery, such as the change table and an extra storage cupboard.

They stopped for lunch, which Kensi was very enthusiastic about, then headed to the last store they'd planned to visit. It was there that Julia noticed something Kensi clutched tightly in her hand. It was a catalogue for the huge baby store they were in, causing Julia to realise Kensi had secretly wanted to go on this shopping trip a lot more than she'd previously let on.

'Where is it?' Kensi grumbled, looking around the many isles of bedding and linen.

'What is it?' Julia wondered.

'Curtains.' Kensi said, hazardously turning to locate the item she had her heart set on. 'For the window.' She shoved the excessively-creased catalogue into her mother's hands, then hurried off – as fast as she could with her not-so-flexible belly weighing her down, to check the many rows of towels and sheets.

Julia hurried to keep up, but kept looking at the heavily circled item on the catalogue. The curtains were printed with a sandy beach and flowing waves – Julia understood the connection, and joined Kensi in her determined search.

After quite a while, Julia had argued with almost every salesperson in hope of locating the desired curtains.

Kensi, however, looked ready to overturn a display basket in her ever-increasing frustration.

'Joey, is it?' Julia asked kindly enough, looking at the male salesman's name-tag. She knew how to deal with people, and could sense her daughter's growing agitation. 'Could you point us in the right direction, Joey?'

'I'm not sure, Ma'am.' He said, shaking his head. 'I haven't even seen them-'

'It's in the catalogue!' Kensi marched over, thrusting the paper in his face to show the circled item. 'Where are the curtains?'

'Over here.' He said, slightly taken-aback.

Joey led the two woman passed several isles, and wasn't nearly as mindful of Kensi's sore feet as she thought he should be.

'Over there.' He pointed. 'We have a whole range of curtains you might be interested in.'

'I'm interested in _this one_.' Kensi jabbed her finger at the catalogue again, while her mother wandered away to search the isle for the object they were looking for.

'Maybe we've sold out?' Joey said, with a wince. 'I'm sure we can find something else you'll like, Ma'am. Maybe a wavy blue one?'

'I don't want a stupid blue one. I want _this one_, with the beach.' Kensi narrowed her eyes at him.

'Uh, well, we do have ones that are ocean-themed. And-and this one has a nice sunset on the horizon.' Joey pointed to one nearby.

'There's no sand.' Kensi criticised.

'This one has sand!' Joey indicated to a set of island curtains, rather hopefully.

'There's palm trees.' Kensi scolded. 'They have to have a surfboard, _not_ a palm tree! _Surfboard!'_ She snapped.

The man warily took a step back from her fiery gaze. He glanced in the direction of Julia, hoping the nicer lady would save him from the pregnant one, but she was too far along the isle to notice what Kensi was ranting about.

And Kensi wasn't finished.

'How can you call yourself an _assistant_ if you can't even tell the difference between a surfboard and a palm tree?' Kensi grumbled. 'Have you ever _seen_ a palm tree on a beach in LA? Huh, have you?'

'Ma'am, I'm just trying to help.' Joey stated in his own defence. 'We have another range of curtains, but they're much longer than what you're asking for.'

'Then grab some scissors and cut them shorter.' Kensi said, crossing her arms over her chest. 'And charge me half price for it – consider it a punishment for being so terrible at assisting a customer who has one _tiny_ request for curtains without palm trees.'

'Maybe I should get my supervisor.' Joey muttered, frowning at her.

'Really?' Kensi replied, in a way she knew Deeks would have said it. 'You want to get your supervisor? Are you sure you can handle that embarrassment? Do you really want to tell your supervisor you couldn't help out one Federal Agent, who has a gun by the way - that you couldn't even help her find a single set of curtains for her nursery?'

'Kensi?' Julia's voice reached her.

'I'm not done with you.' Kensi hissed threateningly to Joey, then walked over to her mother. She rubbed her stomach, as though reassuring her unborn baby that he will get the curtains for his nursery exactly as she'd envisioned them to be, and exhaled at the non-promising look on her mother's face.

'They're sold out, Honey.' Julia indicated to the rack where the sale item had been.

'All of them?' Kensi sulked.

Kensi briefly wondered if anyone in the story currently had the last one in their shopping trolley, and would have been motivated to track them down - if it weren't for her sore feet and deflating mood.

'You want them because of Marty, don't you?' Julia place a sympathetic hand on Kensi's shoulder. 'Because he's a surfer?'

'Kind of.' Kensi sighed. 'It's silly, but about a year ago when we went to lunch, we passed this same store. The curtains were in the window, and he joked about it...'

_'Hey, look, Fern!' Deeks halted her. He'd stopped to stare into the store window, a mixture of amusement and smugness showing on his face._

_'What? And don't call me that.' Kensi sighed, still brooding about the bakery not having the doughnuts she'd wanted. _

_She rejoined Deeks and looked at the window display he was pointing at, and rolled her eyes._

_'Really, Deeks?'_

_'C'mon, they're cool!' Deeks insisted. 'Can you picture our little ninja mutant assassin waking up to a sunny beach every day, even if it's raining outside? Think of the breeze blowing those curtains, and lighting the room with its colours?'_

_'Not gonna happen.' Kensi turned to walk away, and dismissed his enthusiasm even as he hurried to keep up with her. _

_'I think they're great.'_

_'You would.' Kensi mocked. 'Hey, if you like them so much – why don't you get them for your bedroom?'_

_'Nah.' Deeks chuckled. 'They belong in a nursery, Sunshine. It would make it perfect, to have those curtains hanging by the window. One day, you'll thank me.'_

_'For what? Buying tacky curtains?' Kensi snorted. 'Yeah, as if.'_

'That's why you wanted to come here.' Julia realised when Kensi finished telling her the story of why she had to have those curtains so badly.

'Yeah.' Kensi sighed, looking downwards. 'I thought everything I needed would be here. It would be easy. But all I found was this.' She held up an item she'd been carrying around. It was a sign to stick on her car window; the object was shaped like a surfboard, with the words _"Baby on Board"_ written on it.

'We might be able to find the curtains some-place else?' Julia tried to help.

'No, forget it.' Kensi huffed. 'I just gotta get one more thing, then we can go.'

Julia watched Kensi walk away, wishing there was more she could do to help, but instead she headed in the direction of the electronics department. After gathering several more items for their shopping trolley, Julia wondered where her daughter had disappeared to.

'Kensi?' Julia turned another corner, and paused at the heart-clenching sight that met her gaze.

Kensi was sitting in a wooden rocking chair, with a blue bear resting on her enlarged stomach. Her eyes were filled with tears, as she rocked slightly, and was evidentially lost in thought. Julia knew Deeks was on her mind from that look alone, though there was rarely a moment when Kensi wasn't thinking about her blonde-haired surfer.

Julia approached where her daughter sat, and Kensi looked tearfully up at her.

'I want to go home now.' Kensi whispered.

'Okay.' Julia nodded, pulling Kensi to her feet. 'Let's go home, Honey.'

She wrapped an arm around her daughter, and led her away from the rocking chair. She knew Kensi was trying not to have an emotional breakdown, in determination to remain strong despite her sadness and hormones, so Julia did the best thing she could for Kensi in that moment – she pretended not to notice.

Kensi had overcome her tears by the time they arrived back at the house. She complained to her mother about not being allowed to carry any of the shopping inside, until Julia handed her a small bag and said it counted. Kensi clutched the bag and stormed into the house, halting only when she reached the kitchen. She lifted out a doughnut box, and a bag of fresh red apples.

'Doughnut for me.' Kensi said, feeling somewhat cheerful now she had her favourite pregnancy snack in her hands. 'And apple for baby.' She decided.

Julia spotted her and chuckled, shaking her head as she didn't dare to remind Kensi that the baby ate whatever she did – not just the food Kensi was willing to share. She left her daughter downstairs, while Julia carried numerous items upstairs - the rest of their purchases followed behind her with the helpful efforts of the delivery men.

Kensi paid little attention to the movements nearby; her brown gaze focused only her choice of food. She stared at the plate, with her doughnut and apple sitting on it, and considered why she only ate them together. The doughnut was for her, and Kensi had always loved them – as Deeks constantly mocked her for. And yet, he'd still shown up on her doorstep with one when he'd picked her up for work. She missed that, more than the food itself. Now she was much like a doughnut, Kensi thought, as she stared at the hole in the center of the pastry. Her heart was empty without him; A piece of her was missing, just like the doughnut. The pastry had been made that way, but Kensi knew exactly what she was missing that had once been there. Who she was missing - now he wasn't there, she felt truly empty.

The apple for her baby, however, told a different story. It was fresh, and sweet all the way to the core. It cancelled out any badness of the doughnut, and left her feeling much more satisfied. That's why she always ate them together, because now the doughnut was nothing without its apple. A doughnut without an apple had no core - it was just empty all the way through. Reaching to inhale the cinnamon scent of her doughnut, Kensi leaned against the counter and wondered what sort of food Deeks would be.

A pineapple, probably – with a tough exterior, and sweetly soft center, with a lot of spikiness sitting in every direction on top.

When Kensi joined her mother upstairs half an hour later, she was still nibbling on an apple, and fighting her craving for some pineapple slices. She paused at the doorway to her bedroom, feeling exhausted, then wandered along the hallway to see what her mother was doing.

'I've put everything in the spare room, until we can pick a colour for the paint!' Julia called to Kensi from the mentioned room, when she'd been asked where everything had disappeared to.

Kensi wasn't really listening, though, as she munched on her apple and stared sadly into the nursery. It was completely bare, except for one large box in the middle of the room. It contained the mahogany crib Kensi and Julia had picked out many months ago. It remained in its box, as Kensi had fiercely refused to unpack it. She insisted it was Deeks' job, and would not negotiate otherwise - no matter how hard Julia tried to change her mind.

After the shopping trip, nothing about the crib situation had changed.

Weeks went by, and still Kensi avoided it at all costs.

Julia realised Kensi could not take that step on her own, but also worried the baby would have nowhere to sleep if the crib wasn't unpacked soon. She'd been careful, even when Kensi had been staying with her for months, to not push too hard. They were closer than they'd been since Kensi was a child herself, but there was still a lot of mending to do, and Julia was taking her time.

However, despite all of that, she had to step in when it came to the baby.

Kensi stretched and yawned, wistfully wishing she hadn't woken from her dream about Deeks trying to stick teddy bears on all the walls to keep the baby safe.

She got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom, grumbling about the need to pee all the time, and the constant growing of her stomach that made it harder for her to do things Kensi thought should stay simple. Once she felt refreshed, Kensi noticed there was a light on in the nursery. It was odd, seeing as the morning sunrise was only just starting to shine into the hallway.

Squashing a momentary spark of hope, Kensi walked towards the room, and sighed when she saw her mother standing inside. Kensi gasped at the sight awaiting her – the nursery was fully furnished, and the crib was completely assembled. Everything was arranged nicely, and Kensi felt tears in her eyes with how lovely it all looked.

Except, the window had no curtains.

'I know it's not the same.' Julia said, walking to give Kensi a brief side-hug.

Her hair was messily tied back, and her shirt had paint smears everywhere. Julia had bags under her eyes, which showed she hadn't gotten a moment of sleep all night. Julia was determined to get the nursery finished by the time Kensi got up.

'Mum...' Kensi stared at the walls.

Julia was an artist, and it really showed in the beautiful beach scenery painted on each wall all the way around the baby's room. It had yellow sand, a blue ocean, pale sky with clouds, and even a surfboard in one corner near the window. Kensi thought, if she concentrated enough, she could almost hear the sloping of the waves and sounds of the seagulls in the sky.

'It's perfect.' Kensi uttered.

Julia exhaled with relief; she'd been worried Kensi might think she'd overstepped, or wouldn't like it. She'd spent the entire night making sure it was right – double-checking every angle of the furniture, folding each shirt carefully, and applying every brush stroke exactly as she thought it should be. To see Kensi's smile was all she needed to know the room had worked out as she'd intended.

Then, suddenly, Kensi broke down in tears.

Kensi's joy and love for the nursery was strong, until the image of the assembled crib hit her rather hard. For the first time since she'd found out she was having a baby, the full weight of Deeks' absence felt to come crashing down upon her.

Julia wasn't surprised - though she was very concerned, as she quickly moved forward to pull Kensi into a soothing embrace. She rubbed circles on Kensi's back, and tried her best to remain strong for her distraught daughter who was missing the man she loved – and the father of the little boy the nursery was designed for.

'He's missing out!' Kensi sobbed with heartbreaking anguish, while pressing her face against her mother's shoulder. 'He's missing everything!'


	4. Cry

**Author's Notes:** This chapter is twice as long as usual because it's a special kind of chapter. It's a chapter of changes - and not just for the characters. My readers, and reviewers, you're awesome and I appreciate every single one of you. And G, you're awesome too - you know why.

Important: **You need to know this before you continue.**_ There's a lot of angst for Kensi lately, which is understandable as she's missing Deeks, but this story is not rated angst for a reason - this is temporary! Until Deeks returns, I consider every chapter before it as "set up" chapters - almost like a series of prologues to help you understand the history of the situation prior to his return. The true portion of this story begins when his mission is over. I want everyone to keep that in mind. Additionally, know that I write the timing of crucial moments (such as Deeks' return) very carefully according to plans I spent months working on. Please trust that no matter how unfair or heart-breaking something may be - I have a very good reason for it. This journey+story has a long way to go, and yet it hasn't entirely begun yet. _Be sure to read the notes at the end of this chapter as well, as it's also important.

* * *

**~ Cry ~**

Kensi sat comfortably on the warn sand with a content smile on her face. She rubbed her large stomach with both hands, while her visual focus remained on watching the waves of the ocean.

Everything in that moment was entirely peaceful. It had become her sanctuary, just as it had been for Deeks. Kensi went to the beach every single day, since the nursery had been painted two months ago. She was happy to sit there, picturing she was watching Deeks surf the waves – as if she was merely waiting for him to come over to give her and baby a kiss.

Those thoughts didn't upset her anymore – now Kensi was soothed by imagining the way he'd laugh and smile at her. His hair would be wet, and his face sun-kissed, as he would drop onto the sand beside her. She considered the way his hands could caress her belly, while Deeks talked to their unborn son about how excited he was to teach him to surf when he was older. Kensi daydreamed of all the conversations Deeks would have with her stomach, while she rolled her eyes and pretended to think he was just being silly.

Kensi sighed as she pulled her gaze away from the ocean view, and looked at her belly with a smile. In Deeks' absence, she'd been the one to have the silly little conversations with their unborn child. Each time, she envisioned Deeks sitting beside her and it felt a little less silly.

'Don't worry,' Kensi whispered to her baby, who she had secretly named. 'Your daddy will be back. I know he's going to love you so much.'

Kensi bit her lip when she felt a kick, and traced the area with her fingers. Another kick, and she exhaled a long breath. She wished Deeks was truly there to feel it, knowing he would joke that the baby kicked like she does. He'd mock-scold the boy for kicking his mummy, and Kensi would laugh.

Sometimes, Kensi could imagine those scenarios so clearly it was almost as if Deeks _was_ there. Then she'd open her eyes, and sigh. Looking back to the view of the water and sunshine, Kensi was aware of being approached. She didn't turn to look, as she might have rather hopefully done months earlier, and knew there was only one other person who knew to find her there.

'It's a beautiful day.' Julia commented, admiring the view of the sparkling ocean.

'It is.' Kensi agreed, tilting her head back to look up at her mother. 'What am I forgetting?'

'Your appointment.' Julia answered.

Her daughter had a tendency to have the whole world slip away when she was at the beach, but Julia took comfort in knowing Kensi had finally found somewhere to go where she allowed herself to be happy. Kensi's mood had increased as time went along. She joked that Deeks wouldn't want the baby to think she had no sense of humour, when really Kensi knew Deeks would want her to be happy - even in his absence.

And so, Kensi tried harder.

Julia was relieved to see her daughter smiling again, with genuine joy and delight.

'Geh.' Kensi grunted, looking away. 'Do I have to?'

Julia didn't answer. Kensi had the same reaction every time she had to speak to anyone with any medical education; Doctors, nurses, technicians, midwives – everyone. Julia held out her hands, which Kensi gripped tightly, and hoisted her daughter onto her feet.

'Baby is heavy.' Kensi grumbled.

Julia's black convertible was parked nearby; Kensi waddled her way beside her mother on the way to the vehicle, and got in. The pair didn't speak much while Julia drove, and Kensi simply enjoyed the wind blowing her hair.

Kensi had familiarised herself with waiting rooms in the past months, but had gained no additional patience or tolerance for them.

She sank into a seat, and snatched a magazine from a nearby table. Reading about the not-so-recent celebrity hook-ups, Kensi let her mother talk to the receptionist and take care of everything else. She felt a pressure near her knee and quickly looked over the pages of her magazine. A small girl, younger than four-years-old, looked up at her with wide blue eyes. Kensi assumed she'd tripped on a toy and grabbed the first thing she could to steady herself.

'Hi.' The girl said, blushing.

'Hey.' Kensi smiled, watching the embarrassed kid hurry away. The child jumped onto her father's lap, and hid her face against his shirt in shyness.

Kensi looked away, frowning.

Kensi dumped the magazine back on its table, and got up to wander around, not wanting to sit still. She spotted a wall of pamphlets and gazed over the titles of any relating to children and child birth. A hint of worry began to creep inside her, with all the questions of _"Are you ready for the responsibility?"_ and _"Symptoms that could be dangerous for your unborn child"_, as well as a whole array of warnings about what could go wrong, and medical conditions to beware of.

Shuddering, Kensi made her way back to the seat and slumped in it beside her mother.

It was the first time Kensi really considered the birth itself. She was scared, and didn't know what to expect. She'd been advised of many things by professionals, but either she'd ignored their ramblings or Kensi simply hadn't thought about it afterwards. Much like the day when she'd found out she was pregnant, Kensi felt as if the room was trying to suffocate her.

Right when she eyed the exit, in serious contemplating of fleeing, her name was called.

'It's okay.' Kensi said to her mother. 'I'm going in by myself.'

'I'll be right here.' Julia nodded, disappointed yet again.

Kensi followed the blonde woman into a room, and realised she would be her technician for the day. Kensi didn't like new people; and already saw the questions forming in the other woman's eyes.

'Is the father on his way?' The lady asked.

'Uh, yeah.' Kensi replied. 'But he won't be at the appointment. He has to work.'

'Okay.' She smiled. 'I'm Selena, by the way. Hop up on here, and we'll have a look, shall we?' She pat the examination table.

Kensi climbed up and lay down, preparing to see her little boy on the monitor again. She loved these moments, and hated them at the same time. Selena got everything ready, and oozed the cold gel over Kensi's stomach. Kensi allowed her mind to drift while she waited.

She wondered where her partner was.

With a jolt of shame, Kensi realised it had been a while since they'd last heard from him – weeks, even. The communication gaps were a bad sign because it meant he had to work harder and the case would be longer. Kensi tried to ignore it, but with how much time had passed – she was beginning to fear the baby was never going to meet his father.

Her moodiness re-emerged, and Kensi wanted to go home.

'There he is.' Selena smiled at the monitor, bringing Kensi from her thoughts. 'He's very healthy.'

'And getting big.' Kensi whispered worriedly.

'Your due date-'

'Uh!' Kensi interrupted. 'No. No, no...We don't mention that. I don't want to know when it is, or anything about it. If you have to talk about it, you can tell my mother.'

'But-' Selena tried again, confused..

'Lady, I will get up and walk right out of here.' Kensi warned. 'And I'm a Federal Agent. If you tell me the due date; I will hunt you down. I have a gun.'

'Oh, okay.' Selena paled. 'Um, let's see then...'

Kensi wore a smug look when she walked out of the examination room hardly five minutes later. Julia saw her expression and sighed, knowing her daughter had probably freaked out the poor technician again so she could escape early.

'She wants to talk to you.' Kensi informed Julia. 'Her name is Selena. She's a bit of a nervous wreck, that one.' She smirked, then went to sit back down in the waiting room to immerse herself in magazines until they could leave.

* * *

Julia had done most of the talking on the drive back to the house, and Kensi remained conversational enough until they arrived. Once the convertible was parked in the garage where it belonged, everything about Kensi's mood and posture changed. She walked straight into the house and made a beeline for the fridge. Julia didn't question it, was it wasn't an entirely odd occurrence after getting an ultrasound, and they had other things on their minds.

'Are you sure, Honey?' Julia worried from nearby. 'I can stay.'

'It's okay. Look, leftovers!' Kensi lifted out a sealed container of roast meat and vegetables from the night before. 'I'll watch some Top Model, complain about my big butt, and have an early rest. I promise.'

'Well, okay.' Julia sighed. 'I did most of the design yesterday, so I've only got to assemble it. I'll be gone a few hours. Call me if you need anything.'

'Yeah, I will.' Kensi nodded.

She accepted her mother's hug, and watched her leave. Once the front door shut, Kensi pulled a face and made a noise of disgust towards the container. She dumped it back into the fridge, preferring the one filled with sliced pineapple. Kensi grabbed a fork from a drawer, and hurriedly made her way into the living room. The colourful afternoon sunset came through the large windows, but Kensi was only interested in the sight of the television. She switched it on, sank back against the couch, and sighed with content.

After half an hour, Kensi's mood had altered dramatically.

She couldn't get comfortable, and the reality shows weren't giving her the distracted she'd wanted. Turning it off, and tossing the remote aside as if it had betrayed her, Kensi made her way upstairs. Taking her time, grumbling with each step, Kensi finally wandered into her bedroom. She shut the door, and walked tiredly to the bed.

Laying on her side, Kensi thought about how long it had been since she'd seen her team. They were her friends and surrogate family, yet Kensi hadn't spoken to anyone except Nell since she'd gone on leave months ago. She missed them too. Feeling she could handle it, Kensi let her mind become overtaken with random memories of Deeks. She saw his smile, which brought one to her face as well, and momentarily closed her eyes as though it would make the images clearer.

Reaching underneath her pillow, Kensi lifted out the note he had left her.

_Kens,_

_I'd rather be here with you right now. The last five months with you have been the happiest in my life so far. Being without you for a while is going to be hard, but I'll be thinking of you every day. Thinking of your smile, and your laugh. Thinking of us._

_I may not be beside you when you read this, but I haven't left you. I'm coming back, Fern. I have promises to keep, and I'm going to make damn sure I keep them. _

_~ Your sexy jungle cat_

Fighting hormone-driven tears, Kensi pressed the letter to her lips. She wished she could smell his scent on it, but it was just paper. She tucked it back under her pillow, and reached blindly behind her to grab one of this shirts. Kensi inhaled the scent and let herself doze off.

Her dreams were filled with Deeks. A scene played out in her subconscious – it was simple, yet brought a smile to Kensi's face even while she slept. Deeks was standing in the well-let nursery, mocking Kensi for her choice of decorations. He had a teasing remark for everything – the amount of stuffed toys, the pyramid of diapers, the entire drawer of shirts, and the sickly yellow colour of various blankets.

His joyous laugh filled her ears, even as Kensi slowly opened her eyes to realise the room had become darker than when she'd entered the bedroom. Moving to turn on a lamp, Kensi groaned - she hadn't wanted to be pulled from her lovely dream. Sliding into sitting position, she felt rather hungry. Cravings hit her again, and Kensi tried to ignore the intensity of the weird food desires. Tears sprung to her eyes when she knew how readily Deeks would have rushed off to the store to fulfil every one of her every insane food cravings.

Kensi looked to the empty side of her large bed, and sniffled. Cursing her hormones, Kensi lay back down, and cuddled her extra pillow close. She pressed her face to it, trying not to cry, and attempted to work out what she could eat.

It was then she realised what had woken her.

'Ugh!' Kensi yelped with surprise, placing a hand to her stomach.

She inhaled a sharp breath, and tried to keep calm. She waited, anxiously, then told herself she probably just slept funny. Until she noticed the dampness of her bed, and an odd smell.

'Crap!' Kensi winced, getting up.

She struggled against the swell of panic, and rubbed her stomach as she wondered what to do. Getting up, Kensi decided to shower. She made it as far as the bathroom before an odd discomfort disrupted her plans. Kensi changed her clothes, then grabbed her phone from the bedroom. Carefully making her way downstairs, Kensi looked around for any sign of her mother. She was still at work, otherwise Julia would have come running when Kensi called for her.

'Ow!' Kensi held her stomach, leaning to sink against the sofa when a wave of pain hit her. 'No. No, baby, it's not time.' She insisted to her belly.

Kensi gasped for breath, waiting for the pain to subside, then allowed her mind to freak out. Sliding onto the sofa entirely, Kensi lit up her phone and quickly scrolled through her contact menu, talking to her unborn child while she tried to think rationally.

'You have to wait for your daddy to come home.' Kensi scolded. 'Stay put.'

She felt dizzy, as the magnitude of the moment cleared the fog in her mind. She's terrified, but determined to do something about what was going on. She had to get help, Kensi hated to admit, and kept checking her contacts for the suitable rescuer.

Reaching Deeks' name, she halted.

Kensi felt another shot of pain course through her, and tried to sit up. The emotions were almost too overwhelming, as Kensi stared at Deeks' name. Her mother was out of town for a job, and couldn't get there in time regardless. The horror of being on her own really settled in, and Kensi no longer cared about protocol or anything associated with it. She pressed the call button, and held the phone to her ear.

The ringing continued until, for a second, Kensi thought he might have answered.

'_Deeks here. I'm not around right now, so leave me a message - or not – and I'll get back to you when I can. Might be a while.'_

His voice broke her emotional barriers; she hadn't heard it months. Tears tracked down her face, until her breath hitched when she realised the voice-mail message wasn't done.

_'If this is Fern, I'll send you a text when I can. Even if it takes me a while, I will. I'm sorry I can't be there right now, but I'm thinking of you.'_

There was a beep, and Kensi was shocked to realise she might actually be able to leave him a message.

There was a tiny part of her mind she acknowledged that reminded her she had to be careful – if she used the wrong words, you could be risking him greatly if he had the phone nearby while he was undercover. Her mind shut out everything else, insisting she shouldn't have to worry about anything beyond her need for him to be there right now.

'I _need_ you here.' Kensi said, fighting to steady her breathing. 'I can't do this without you. _We_ need you...' She hung up before she revealed too much, and held the phone to her forehead. Kensi winced as the pain hit her again.

Returning her gaze to her phone's contact menu, Kensi saw Nell's name, and inhaled a deep breath. Cringing, she called the number and waited.

'Hello?'

'Nell!' Kensi said in relief. 'I need a favour. I _really big_ favour-' Kensi struggled to shift her position on the couch, groaning at the movement.

'Are you okay?' Nell worried.

'Uh, maybe.' Kensi swallowed. 'I need you to come over right away. It's personal. I just...please, Nell?'

Kensi hated the begging tone in her voice, but she was desperate. She didn't want to call an ambulance, and Kensi would rather place her trust in someone she knew. Nell had no idea she was pregnant, however - only that Kensi was staying with Julia.

'I get off work in an hour-'

'No!' Kensi cut in. 'I need you now, Nell. Just, come over, okay? You'll understand when you get here. Please. I need my gal pal.'

There was a pause, which Kensi feared her friend would let her down, whereas Nell was sitting in Ops trying to work out what to do. She had no doubt Kensi wouldn't have called if it wasn't important, but Nell was quite confused. She tried to work out what the cause could be, and if she had a big enough excuse to leave work early.

They had a case, after all.

'Nell?'

The quiet tone of Kensi's voice broke Nell's thoughts. She exhaled and looked over at Eric, who was busy pretending to only focus on the screen in front of him rather than the worried look on her face.

'Okay.' Nell answered Kensi. 'You're at your Mum's place, right?'

'Yeah.' Kensi exhaled. 'Yeah. Thank you.'

'Sure. I'll be there as soon as I can.' Nell promised, and hung up.

'Nell?' Eric wondered.

'I have to go.' Nell stood. 'Will you tell Hetty I had a personal emergency? My friend needs me.'

'Sure.' Eric nodded.

'Thank you.' Nell grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, and hurried from Ops. She descended the stairs, and looked to Hetty's desk to wonder where the Operations Manager was.

Passing the bullpen, Nell paused when a voice called to her.

'You're leaving in a hurry.' Callen stated, raising from his desk chair.

Sam looked over as well, though he didn't comment.

'Uh, yeah.' Nell nodded. 'Something came up.'

'Need a ride?' Callen offered. 'Isn't your car still in the shop?'

'Oh, shoot!' Nell slapped her forehead. 'Yeah, uh, I'll just catch a cab. I gotta go.'

She turned and ran from the Mission, knowing Kensi urgently needed her for whatever reason. As Nell stepped outside, seeing how dark it was, she almost wished she'd taken Callen up on his offer. Anxiously walking to the street, she called for a cab and hoped it arrived soon.

Nell looked down at her buzzing phone, seeing a text from Kensi: _Where are you?!_

She quickly texted back to say she was on her way, while getting into the back seat of the cab. Relying on her excellent memory, Nell gave the driver the address and sank backwards against the seat. On the drive, Nell tried to work out every possible scenario of what waited for her at the house. She was furious at herself for not coming up with much at all.

Nell hadn't even _seen_ Kensi since she'd gone on leave.

'Thanks.' Nell paid the driver the moment they arrived, and got out of the cab. 'Wow.' She appreciated the stunning sight of the well-lit large house, then crossed the road to reach it.

Standing at the front door, Nell rang the doorbell anxiously. She became worried when no one answered, and turned the knob to notice the front door was unlocked. Nell heard Kensi yell, and quickly burst into the house. She'd instinctively drawn her gun, and looked around for a threat. Spotting Kensi on the sofa, Nell tucked her weapon away and went to her friend to see what was wrong.

'You're here.'

Nell had never seen so much relief in Kensi's face before. She she had other another shock to face when Nell moved closer, and saw the pregnant belly her friend was clutching.

Her eyes widened; for a brief moment, Nell couldn't even speak.

'Oh, my God.' Nell breathed.

'I have to get to the hospital.' Kensi said urgently. 'My bag is upstairs in the nursery. Uh, door with the surfboard on it. Hurry!'

'O-okay.' Nell stored her confusion away for the moment.

She reacted with rational calmness, which didn't exactly show on her face, and knew Kensi needed her right now. Trying not to feel daunted by how big the house was, Nell took the stairs two at a time and looked wildly along the hallway. Spotting the surfboard, she pushed open the door and spent several seconds staring at the beautiful room. Grabbing the bag, Nell did a quick check to make sure everything was there. Her cousin once made Nell back a hospital bag for her, to which Nell was now thankful for as she already knew what was necessary.

Returning to Kensi, who was busy groaning with pain, Nell stepped in to assist her friend. She looped the bag over her shoulder, and helped Kensi stand. Once they got to the door, Nell once again remembered the absence of her car.

'Mine.' Kensi held up the keys to her own.

'Right.'

Nell accepted the keys and brought the car around. Getting out, she rejoined Kensi with protective determination. Once her friend was seated beside her, Nell started the engine and sped away from the curb. If she'd had the time to do so, Nell would have felt proud of her quick reactions - she'd even remembered to lock the front door.

'Oow!' Kensi complained. 'Baby, stop it. You can't be born yet!'

'I don't think she-er-he is listening.' Nell said, swerving the wheel to turn a corner. She was very careful with her driving, but didn't waste a single second in worry for her friend.

'He.' Kensi corrected through clenched teeth. 'Ow, damn it!'

Nell was still a bit dazed. She now understood a lot of things she hadn't before, such as why Kensi abruptly left work despite the fact Deeks was still undercover without back-up. It was all she could process, though, as the hospital emerged into view. Parking, Nell grabbed the bag, and helped Kensi through the main doors.

By that point, Kensi was cursing and shouting at anyone who got in their way. She held her belly tightly, as though it would keep the baby there, and had to be convinced to sit in the wheelchair Nell got for her.

While Nell went to the reception desk, Kensi tried to be strong through her angrily upset mood.

The pain and fear was threatening to overtake her. Each time Kensi just wanted to break down and cry – Nell appeared in front of her. Kensi was in no mind to acknowledge it then, but Nell did absolutely everything she could to help her. Nell called Julia, who said she'd be there right away, and filled out some forms the best she could while Kensi complained beside her.

'Ms Blye?' A doctor approached them.

'_This baby_ is NOT coming out yet!' Kensi growled at him, deeming him responsible for the pain she was in. 'We're waiting for his father.'

'Well, unfortunately, babies don't wait.' The doctor said sympathetically. 'We need to get you to the Delivery Suite.'

'_No_.' Kensi glared. 'Ow! No - we have to _wait_.'

'Five minutes.' The doctor allowed. 'That's all.'

'Do you need anything?' Nell stepped forward.

Kensi looked around the room, seeing couples seated together and holding hands. She saw families, loving support, and people who had it better than she did. Kensi, for the first time, realised she was going through this alone. Deeks wasn't there, and the baby _was_ coming.

The baby was on his way, and his father didn't even know it.

'I can't do this.' Kensi gasped, and her breathing became uneven. 'Nell, I can't...'

'You can.' Nell held her hand tightly. 'Kensi, you can do this.'

'Kensi!' Julia burst into the room, looking every bit as flustered as she was. 'Oh, Honey!' She spotted Kensi and quickly joined her side.

'Mum!' Kensi had tears in her eyes. 'He's not here.'

'I know.' Julia nodded. 'You can't think about anything else but the baby right now. _He_ needs _you_. It's time.'

The doctor returned, and a nurse wheeled Kensi into a hallway. Julia followed; Nell decided to join them when Kensi insisted her to come as well.

'Where's the camera?' Kensi asked with sudden panic showing on her face.

'I came straight from work.' Julia apologised. 'I don't have it with me.'

'I could go and get it.' Nell offered.

No decisions were made, as Kensi grabbed her mother's hand and Nell's without saying another word. She yelled in pain, and frustration, then allowed the administration of painkillers.

In a matter of minutes, Kensi could only focus on the agony and the shocking truth that her baby boy was on his way into the world.

Hours ticked by.

Neither Julia nor Nell had dared to leave Kensi's side – not just to show their support, but for the many times they had to jump in to save a nurse's life. Kensi raged, yelled, and cried. Julia was dutiful and firm, with tears of joy in her eyes. Nell, however, felt very overwhelmed. She was at loss of what to do, and could only try her best to help Kensi or a nurse whenever she could.

She didn't realise it, but Nell was exactly what Kensi needed during the moments she was most fearful or self-doubting.

The only time Nell left Kensi was when the doctors told Kensi she should start pushing soon. Nell felt her phone buzz, and quickly stepped outside to check it. The call from Ops was most inconvenient, and Nell was partially glad it was Callen who spoke to her rather than Eric or Hetty. He said something about the case, but she wasn't paying much attention.

Nell made an excuse that was very close to the truth, and he agreed to cover for her.

When Nell returned to Kensi's side, she was pulled closer by the stressed pregnant woman. Julia stood near Kensi's feet, offering encouragements while Kensi pushed, and Nell allowed her hand to be crushed from the grip Kensi had on it.

'I'm not ready yet!' Kensi yelled. 'I can't do this!'

'Kensi Marie Blye, you can and will have this baby.' Julia said sternly, which worked to help Kensi focus.

'Push, Ms Blye.' A nurse encouraged.

'I _am_ pushing!' Kensi snapped. 'Do you think it's_ easy_ pushing a pineapple junior out of my uterus?'

'A what?' One of the nurses muttered to the other, who merely shrugged.

'I'm going to KILL him for this!' Kensi added, thinking of Deeks. 'He should be here so I can_ punch_ him!'

Kensi screamed, pushing as hard as she could despite her sadness that a spot beside her was empty. _Where was Deeks?_ His son was being born, and Deeks wasn't there to see it.

'Arhhhh!' Kensi growled, her face turning red with the effort.

In the height of her frustration, pain, and exhaustion, a small sound broke all the negativity Kensi had felt for the past several hours. In fact, it had such a powerful impact on her that the sound wiped almost all the sadness of the entire Deeks-less part of the pregnancy.

The tiny cry broke the tension of the room.

Kensi groaned, and dropped back onto the bed, gasping for air.

She propped up on her elbows in time to saw the doctor lifting a red infant into view. Her little boy was messy, and crying his lungs out, but it was the most beautiful sight Kensi had ever seen.

'Give him to me!' Kensi demanded.

A nurse briefly wiped him down, and had Julia cut the cord. Wrapping the infant in a blue blanket, the nurse placed the tiny form into Kensi's awaiting arms. She had tears and sweat mixed on her face, her hair was damp, and she felt like passing out – but it was a wonderful moment that Kensi had nothing else to compare with. The baby boy made a sound, then settled in his mother's arms.

When he squirmed inside his blanket, Kensi was struck by how small and fragile he was.

'Hey.' Kensi whispered to the baby, a tired grin forming on her face. She'd never witnessed anything cuter than his brief frown and sigh.

Julia and Nell crowded around her, each smiling and tearful, as they watched the newborn resting in Kensi's protective embrace.

'Does he have a name?' Nell wondered.

'Alexander.' Kensi revealed. 'His name is Alexander.'

'Hello, Alexander.' Nell whispered. 'Welcome to the world.'

* * *

It was while later, when Julia finally found the ability to do more than cry with joy. She sat tiredly in a chair just outside the room Kensi was resting in, and glanced up when Nell joined her.

'Here.' Nell offered the other woman a steaming cup of coffee.

'Thank you.' Julia accepted it, but didn't take a sip. 'I'm sorry, what was your name again?'

'Nell Jones.' She nodded, sitting beside her.

'And how do you know Kensi?'

'We work together.' Nell answered, exhaling as she looked across the space of floor between them and the vending machine. She considered getting something to eat, as she hadn't had anything since early that afternoon, but passed up the opportunity in favour of remaining seated.

'You're a Special Agent?'

'Uh, no. I'm an Analyst.' Nell told her. 'It's nice to meet you. Kensi talked about you a lot.'

Their conversation was broken before Julia could reply, as a lady came over with a pile of forms that needed to be filled out.

'Excuse me.' Julia said to Nell, and followed the lady down the hallway.

Nell released a breath, and leaned her head back against the wall. She rubbed her hand, feeling how bruised it was from when Kensi gripped it while furiously trying to give birth, but Nell didn't mind. She felt blessed to be there; her bond with Kensi had already gotten stronger after witnessing the birth of Alexander.

Meanwhile, inside a nearby room was the woman herself. Kensi was dressed in a hospital gown, as it was more comfortable, and lay on her side. Her eyes were closed, and her mind filled with memories of Deeks. Every detail about him - about them, were all she was aware of. Until her eyes slowly opened and Kensi took in the sight of the room.

Hearing the door open behind her, Kensi gasped as a spark of hope filled her. Turning quickly, she slumped with disappointment when she saw Nell approaching her.

'How are you feeling?' Nell asked, wishing she wasn't the substitute for whoever Kensi had hoped to see.

'Sore.' Kensi grumbled. 'Tired.'

'That's understandable.' Nell nodded.

'Deeks isn't here.' Kensi frowned. 'Nell, I need a man. Come here.'

'Well, I'll try.' Nell chuckled, moving to sit on the bed beside Kensi.

She wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed her forehead to Kensi's. They sat like that for a while, until Julia came in and sat on Kensi's other side. It was a miracle the three woman had enough room on the one bed for all of them, but they managed.

'He needs an alias.' Kensi broke the quietness.

'Of course.' Nell nodded, reaching across to the bedside table where a clipboard with paper sat.

Julia side-hugged Kensi while the girls talked; She was still too emotional to speak.

'His alias is Alexander Donald Feldman.' Kensi said sleepily. 'No father listed. Use my actual name.'

'Okay.' Nell took note. 'And the real one?'

'Alexander Donald Deeks.' Kensi smiled. 'Father, Martin Deeks.'

'Wow.' Nell paused for a moment, letting the knowledge sink in.

She tried to hide her sadness while she wrote down any details Kensi told her to. When Julia gushed about the name, saying how proud Donald would be to have a grandson with his name, Nell left the room to give the pair a moment.

She stood outside in the hallway, and bit back her own tears.

'Deeks doesn't know.' Nell whispered. She understood, more than before, why Alexander needed an alias of his own.

'Nell?' Julia placed a hand on her shoulder, startling the shorter woman from her thoughts.

'I'm okay.' Nell tried to smile, wiping away her tears. 'I think I'm gonna go - it's almost three AM.'

'Of course.' Julia nodded. 'Thank you for being here, for Kensi.'

'Any time.' Nell said, and went to say goodnight to Kensi.

Julia watched the two girls hugging, knowing Kensi wanted to just sleep but stubbornly fought it so she could thank Nell before she left. Julia wished she had the camera with her; they'd been filming parts of the pregnancy for months – except the most crucial moment. Julia blamed herself for having to work, and was determined to make it up to Deeks by getting the camera at the first chance she had. Kensi wanted him there, and Julia did too.

When Nell finally left the hospital, she merely stood outside with her phone in hand. She could call a cab, but she didn't have much change on her. Hesitating, turning her phone over with uncertainty, Nell felt too tired to even walk across the street. It worried her that she'd probably fall asleep in whichever vehicle took her home.

Unable to risk it, Nell rang the one person she knew wouldn't be so rudely awoken by her call.

'Yeah?' Callen answered a moment later, as if it was the early hours of the afternoon instead of the too-early hours of the still-dark morning. 'Nell?'

'Uh, yeah.' She winced. 'Sorry. I am beyond exhausted, and I need a lift.'

'Where are you?'

'The hospital. You know which one.' Nell said, pausing to yawn into her hand. 'If it's not too much trouble-'

'I'll be there in five.' Callen said and hung up.

Nell stared at her phone, and moved to press her back against the wall of the hospital, fighting tiredness.

She must have dozed for a moment because Callen's car soon came into view. He waved his hand to get her attention, amused by her clear sleepiness.

'Thanks.' Nell said, getting into the passenger seat. 'I know it's late...'

'I wasn't sleeping, anyway.' Callen shrugged.

Nell nodded, leaning back against the seat. She sighed, and was glad he hadn't asked her many questions. Callen didn't pry, somehow knowing Nell would rather he didn't because she couldn't say. She'd promised Kensi she wouldn't.

Callen turned to look at her, intending to say something, but merely chuckled when he saw she'd fallen asleep beside him. Callen watched Nell a while longer, then pressed his foot to the acceleration – steering the car in the direction of her place. He wasn't sure what was going on, and had no idea one of his team member's was inside the hospital after giving birth.

In a way that was uniquely Callen, he didn't really mind.

For the moment, he simply liked that Nell had called him for a ride. Callen secretly enjoyed those moments; when he was pulled away from the emptiness of his life because he was important enough for someone to call him for a lift home. Even at three in the morning. Or rather,_ especially_ then.

Kensi was as quiet as the room around her. The vacant room around her felt unnatural. Kensi looked over to a nearby chair, and imagined Deeks sitting there with a big goofy smile on his face. Nell had promised to keep Alexander a secret from the rest of the team, but Kensi wished more than anything that there was a way to tell Deeks his son was born today.

With a grunt, Kensi pulled herself out of bed.

She left the room, checking none of the nurses were around to tell her what to do, and made her way to the hospital's nursery. Standing at the glass window, looking into the room, Kensi easily spotted her little bundle of joy. She'd held him briefly when he was born, but now he was all cleaned up and resting in his little blue hat.

Wrapped in a blanket, the newborn looked absolutely adorable.

Kensi glanced at the alias written above him;_ "Alexander Donald Feldman"_, and sighed. She wanted him to have his real surname, Deeks, as some way of letting the world know who the boy's father was. She was proud to have given birth to Deeks' son, which was another thing she anxiously wanted him to know. Pressing her hand to the glass, wanting to hold him in her arms again yet couldn't bring herself to wake him, Kensi felt to be in a trance.

Alexander opened his eyes, revealing a warm brown colouring nearly identical to hers. The blue hat hid it now, but Kensi knew her son had lightly-toned hair he'd partially inherited from Deeks. It wasn't blonde, but was significantly lighter than Kensi's dark brown tones. He wasn't as identical to Deeks as she'd hoped, yet she couldn't find a single part of his appearance to complain about if she'd tried. To her, the little baby resting feet away from her was nothing more nor less than perfect.

In that first true glance she had of her newborn son, Alexander, Kensi was instantly in love.

* * *

Deeks woke with a jerk of startled motion.

He gasped and instantly reached over to check his semi-automatic rifle was still beside him, and his knife remained concealed under his pillow. Rubbing a hand over his face, Deeks sat upright on his mattress, and exhaled. The room was dark, lit only by the moonlight streaming into the room from the open balcony window. White curtains moved in the night breeze, and he nervously tried to work out what had woken him so abruptly.

Deeks got up and walked across the room – pausing halfway when there was movement nearby. The man sat up on the second mattress in the room, and fixed Deeks with a confused look of annoyance.

'Mark?' The tanned man frowned at Deeks. 'Something going on?'

'Nah.' Deeks shook his head. 'Can't sleep. It's nothing, Bane.'

With the other man returning to sleep, Deeks resumed his walk to the balcony. He stood there, in his white shirt and dark cargo pants, wondering why he felt so unsettled. There was a nagging feeling in his mind, as though he'd forgotten something important. Deeks pat his leg and made sure the pocketknife was still there. He glanced around the dimly-lit room and verified that none of the weapons or crates were out of place.

For some evasive reason, Deeks was now wide-awake and restless.

Resting his palms against the cold the railing of the balcony, mindful of the injured knuckles on his left hand from his fight earlier, Deeks looked over the mass of lights of Los Angeles. He had a good view from the building he was staying in, as they were located on a higher floor. He could see the busy streets nearby, the Hospital across several blocks, and neon signs from various adult businesses everywhere in between.

Deeks glanced over his shoulder every few minutes, knowing he couldn't trust anyone who slept near him in a room full of weapons. He reached into a pocket of his pants to lift out his phone. Hearing the reassurance of nearby snoring, Deeks flipped it open and noticed he had a new voice-message.

_Fern._

He couldn't listen to it, not yet - it was far too dangerous.

Deeks frowned with disappointment, and hoped it wasn't anything too important. It bothered him tremendously, because he kept feeling there was somewhere else he was supposed to be. Deeks hated his mission, he truly did, and every day he wanted to run away from it all. He longed for her smile, her laugh, and touch. Deeks would even welcome a punch in the arm if it meant he was back with Kensi again.

The cool night air gently blew his hair about his face, which irritated the cut above his eyebrow, but Deeks ignored it. He felt needed, but not where he was. A fear spread through him, as Deeks considered if his instincts were trying to warn him of something – what if Kensi needed him right now and he couldn't be there for her? In that moment, Deeks longed to flee. He wanted to climb down the fire escape, to run as far and fast as he could until he found her; until he pulled her into an embrace, and knew everything was going to be okay.

But he couldn't do those things; he had a job to do, and Deeks knew it couldn't be left unfinished. If he walked away now, not only would so many lives be put at risk, but he'd have well-connected and lethal murderers on his tail.

He'd bring death to her door.

Deeks anxiously raked his hands through his hair, and reminded himself that every moment he was away from Kensi was protecting her. No matter how much it hurt him, he had to do this to keep her safe. Regardless of the irritating feeling in his stomach, which he tried to ignore. He couldn't act on it, but Deeks had to acknowledge the sensation of there being somewhere far more important he was supposed to be.

As Deeks turned to try and get some rest in preparation for a Russian confrontation in five hours, he had no idea how close he was to the truth. Across several streets, and various buildings, was the light of the hospital where Kensi slept. Deeks gave it one final glance - unaware of it being the place where his son, Alexander, had been born.

* * *

**Important Author's Notes:**_There will be some moments while reading that you may be disappointed or confused when I don't include something - like a missed opportunity I didn't take advantage of. This is intentional - I am accumulating certain scenes and moments to be saved for a special chapter later on. I would also like to confirm that from now onwards, Deeks will be making frequent appearances. He is now officially, current time (as in, not just flashbacks or mentions), a main character in this story._ All forms of feedback, including questions and suggestions, are always warmly welcome.

Thank you for reading!


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